For the last week or so, I've been feeling down. It's probably best attributed to stopping exercising and starting eating junk food for the short-term joy boost it gives. It started as a weekend rest and snowballed into something I had no control over for a while. Then, another incident with the group happened, and it fell back down. Now, after giving myself the benefit of exercise again, I feel much better; I'm also proud of how I handled the down period: though I've spent a lot of money on junk food, mentally, I've been doing my best to keep myself up and running, which may have contributed to the state of mind.

The 23rd of February in Russia is officially designated as the Fatherland's Defender's Day, but it's been long regarded as Men's Day unofficially. On February 23rd, women make men gifts; mostly, it's shower gels, socks, cups & mugs and other typically male accessories. It's regarded as a tradition, though the modern youth doesn't adhere to it as strongly.

I can't say that it came as a complete surprise that my group - consisting, barring me and another lad, of girls - has decided to make me a gift on that day. Still, it remains a mystery why have they. I've consistently found myself at odds with many of them personally and with the group at large, and after my latest - and last, I hope - outburst at a groupmate I wouldn't think they'd even think of extending any kind of generous gesture towards me.

After they started talking before the class about how nice a thermos they bought, I've decided not to be around for a few minutes: I knew what I wanted to say if they did, indeed, decide to act on that tradition, and it was tough. Still, there was a minute left before the class when I came back; it was then when they decided to gather around me - a socially sensitive introvert - and present me with said thermos because I was "almost the only man among us".

I knew exactly what I wanted to say. "I can't take it. I wouldn't be able to repay you with the same on March 8th, so it would be unfair of me to accept it".

What I couldn't bring myself to say was "I don't want to gift you anything, anyway. I no longer want to be a part of this group. I don't feel comfortable among you, I don't feel accepted; what I feel is antagonized, repelled and attacked at every opportunity despite how much I try to help and extend my kindness to every single one of you". It was overwhelming enough to say the socially-acceptable part; the not-acceptable would take trust that I couldn't extend to them, scars of the upbringing still burning hot.

I remain... shaken by the event. Seeing their disappointed faces struck hard within me: I try to remain neutral to them, not cold-hearted. Feeling rejected is rough, but rejecting someone is no less so, especially after such a gesture. My first time at the uni, I've phased away from the group quite quickly; this time, I tried hard to find common ground and some sort of contact with them. For a while, it worked, as I pretended to be content with the low-hanging jokes and empty laughter...

Truth is, my group and I don't belong together. It's filled with untamed youth who don't strive for much in life beyond getting a diploma and settling for a comfortable job. This is not a path I want to take; this is not who I want to be. I wanted my group to be something more to me than a circle of people I spend days at the uni with. This is not happening, and I'm glad I finally realize this and move onto something better.

As a sidenote: speaking my mind freely feels right, and I like the feeling.

As another sidenote: I can't escape the feeling that at least some of the bad vibes I think I get from the group actually come from my own emotions: the disappointment, the anger, the distress... I'm cautious to blame other people where my fault may reside, and this sounds like a situation and a vibe to pay close attention to.

I'm writing a #russiabynatives post about parenting in Russia and the reasons it is the way it is. It will be ready by the next Pubski. lil might be interested; maybe someone else is.

Going to try a new point-based reward system in March. Finishing the exercise for the day gives one point. Every thousand rubles saved by the end of each week yields one point (I get three every week). If there's no food in the house by the end of the day and I have the means to get it, one point is subtracted. Once I have enough [numbers pending], I can spend them for a reward, like a bottle of Coke or a day off uni (provided I don't miss the important classes).

Been writing for the forum RPG yesterday, and I realized that worldbuilding alone won't result in the game going live. I need to treat it like a business, which it is, and I need to follow a certain plan of achieving my goals.

Been feeling lonely lately.

Been missing byonic. He's dropped off the radar, and given that he's been going through some rough soul-searching prior, I'm a bit worried. If you're reading this, man, just let us know how you're alive.

EDIT 'cause I haven't written enough:

I bought myself a black tanktop today. Felt so good I started running again. :) Going to wear it as often as I can: it's almost as good as the white shirt.

Been developing a colony of critters @ Critter Mound; hitting scores of 800s when my opponent critters are just scratching 400s. I love the genetics mechanic: it's one of those things that sticks to you, like with Bead Machine. It's well-done and implemented no more complexly than it needs to be. Small masterpieces of game design.

Older but still relevant: it's the second SSD that doesn't work with my laptop properly already. Like its predecessor, Samsung 850 EVO, it shines with most things: browsing, file management, document work, basic graphics... Whenever it encounters even a step beyond basic graphics outside of the browsers, it drops to a stutter, even if it's the same game it ran just fine from the stock HDD. I have no idea what's up, even afters months of trial and error, so I'm saving for a new laptop.