I don't know what to tell you Taco that you don't already know. Obviously the months (years?) leading up to this moment have been a rollercoaster. Perhaps, like me many times past and present, you're thinking that you've just had a stroke of bad luck lately and if people would just fuck off and give you some space to get your collective shit together everything will go back to normal. It won't. I think we both know that. The only question you need to ask yourself is how far down the rabbit hole you're willing to go? Do you have any criminal charges pending? Probation? Before you make any harsh decisions about rehab realize they WILL make those for you eventually. You'd be better off just letting go and letting God as the AA nuts are wont to say. It'll go a lot harder for you if you don't, believe me. Don't even think about driving anywhere far right now. If you plan on sleeping in your car don't you dare keep any shit in it. They will find you, and your family, love notwithstanding, WILL let you rot in jail. Have you ever been homeless? I spent about half a year in my car and IT SUCKED. Worst months of my life. Spent a week truly roughing it when a cop dropped me at the doors of a state facility and didn't bother to check me in himself. I learned a lot about myself and the world around us that week, none of it inspiring. That is a dark road man, and it's getting colder outside. That's what stuck with me the most: the cold. Rehab SUCKS. I've been to the best and the worst and they're all fucking miserable. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE. You will meet some truly sad and crazy individuals there. You will be sick. Hopefully they'll give you some decent meds and you'll hit the pink cloud within the week. By the month's end you'll be more than ready to get the fuck out of there. You'll think that was a one time thing and you've got your addiction under control now. You will be wrong. You've still got family that cares about your welfare. That's a plus for sure. No matter how much you may hate them or how much you think they hate you, you've got people and that's most important. What you decide now will determine how many of those loved ones will remain once the dust settles. You're one of us now. It's a big club. You're not special. Left unchecked you will die a lonely, excruciating death. AA is mostly bullshit. It's bullshit you would be wise to suffer through at least a couple months. There's no going back. You will have this disease the rest of your life. Like I said: HOW FAR DOWN ARE YOU WILLING TO GO? I'll be thirty next year. My addictions have cost me half my family, several relationships, over a year in county, half a dozen hospital visits... my sanity. Yet, even with all that misery, I still go back. She welcomes me with open arms every time. One day I fear she'll never let go. Get your shit together man. I'll keep you close to heart. Take your medicine and come back to us stronger and wiser.
This kind of blows my mind. Like, I'm not surprised, it just goes against all I know about healing - But I know why, too. At a certain level (some more conscious than others), people believe addicts deserve to suffer. Even the people working in those facilities - Sometimes especially those people. But it's so wrong. we know a lot more about addiction now, family history, environmental factors, psychological factors - It's not just a "this is this person's own fault". And even if it was, so what? Some idiot breaks their leg doing something stupid, we don't fucking poke at it, or leave their food out of reach so that they have to shuffle over to it. anyways, that was just what came to mind as I was reading your message.Rehab SUCKS. I've been to the best and the worst and they're all fucking miserable. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
I know people who have worked at rehabs; I shot a pilot at a rehab. There's a surprising number of employees that were, at one point, patients. Reading the above you can grasp why; reading the above you can appreciate their utility. It gives them a useful well of empathy from which to draw. It's a difficult dichotomy, though. Part of the 12-step mantra is that you, as an individual, are powerless. Part of the solution is that you, as an individual, need to reclaim some power. This results in a philosophy where the good things that happen to you are because of fate but the bad things that happen to you are due to your fucking up. Recovered addicts end up with a refined appreciation for addiction. They can also end up with an impressive self-loathing streak. You have never met a fat-hater quite like a formerly-fat person... and you have never met a bigot quite like a closet homosexual. "There but for the grace of God go I."