I'm back home... and it sucks.

Ever since coming back, I felt oddly apathetic to the way my life is going. I've spent a lot of time playing videogames, which isn't in itself bad; it's bad because it's escapism gone too far.

Back in Tomsk, where I was living alone (with barely any contact to the hometown), I've spent a lot of time improving upon my living in details big and small, especially in the second half of the year, of which there is plenty of evidence. I've made promises to myself that I have full intent of keeping - promises that I will do better for my own sake, because I deserve, and because I want to; fueled partly with curiosity and partly with the desire of better things. I'm proud of the progress I've made so far, and I think living on my own has been an experience like nothing before, fertile and expanding.

Now I'm here... and I feel like shit.

I've masturbated a few days away already, and I don't even like masturbating since recently*. Masturbation messes with my cognition as well as my mental energy, meaning that afterwards I can't do anything that usually gets me off: programming, writing, worldbuilding - hell, even educational stuff... It's bad for me, and I went for it anyway because of how down I feel.

I wanted to say that I feel bored, but it's not the case. I've been thinking about it, and it seems like what I really feel is existential anxiety. Once the uni was done for the year, I have a sea of possibilities and I can do everything I thought I didn't have time for... but this isn't the case. I'd like to travel, to see even some Russian cities, each with its own spirit, no doubt, - but that would require money, and I'm not making any at the time. The obvious answer to that problem would be to find a job... except I don't feel like I have any energy for that.

It seems that this place - and the people around me - all drag me down. Seems like this whole city affects me in this way. I have some of the greatest memories from my hometown of Kemerovo, but that might only be because I've never lived anywhere else. People here seem such downers - the ones I keep seeing, anyway... Which isn't to say that I blame them for the way I feel. I know I'm the only one responsible for the way I feel. I guess I just want to figure out the reason I feel the way I do.

I thought I wanted to come back, but after only five days here, I'm yearning for Tomsk again; I can't wait for the next year.

Which brings me to the next point that struck a chord in the last few days. Once the uni was done with this year, I felt emptiness inside. What it was wasn't difficult to figure out: it's where the external goals and motivations were. It then became clear to me that I didn't have many goals to follow onto to begin with, and those I had I have a hard time committing to after a while. It's such a shitty thing to say, but I just don't feel like it. I want to work at it and I want to make it happen, but I... just... don't.

Just writing this makes me want to vomit... but, I'm afraid this is my state of affairs at the moment. Reduced to feeling like shit because of shit I don't understand. Part of it is, inevitably, my post-masturbation tiredness - perhaps a big part because I did it twice today - and perhaps I shouldn't listen to it as much as I do right now. Still, the little voice in my head seems to have a point: to the big goals that I have and want to commit to, I don't.

This isn't for pity or of it, though. I guess there's a much better commentary to be made about the whole situation, and maybe I'll go for it in the future. For now... I just wanna let that out before the self-pity kicks in again, because I don't wanna hear that fucking voice ever again.

In short: came back home, feel like shit about it. Life just a month ago was much better when I lived on my own, and now I can't do shit about it because I feel like I'm in an emotional bondage with my parents and the rest of the family now that I'm in contact with them again. I feel good about my life in perspective and like shit at the moment; and even if the moment will pass, I can't seem to handle making future perspective better.

* long story short: I met a girl physically attractive and went on to ask her out for a casual sex. She refused. The turmoil about the whole situation made me realize that it's not sex that I'm looking for - it's the intimacy. I'm better.