Once I was told "you were the 'once-in-a-generation' type of student"... I had nothing but an interest in music and the grace of some teacher to admit me into a class of developed musicians. I had no choice but to out-work the competition to get up to a pace where I could develop my own voice. Well, my work ethic didn't let up, and my voice was valued beyond the scope of the school I was in. Too bad I was so conflicted with my upbringing and the reality that I had been given false promises by those I trusted most. After dropping out to pursue Berklee, which I had exhausted almost all of my incredibly limited resources to try to reach out to, the school just kept ignoring me. I was too old, or something. Whatever it was, I had to return home to the disfunction that so heavily influenced my conflicted brain. Having gone from an insignificant blip on the musical radar, to breaking down bach, beethoven, schubert, and tons of miles davis, jimi hendrix, and a host of blues players - imitating their styles into my own work (disclaimer, I was not necessarily good at it) to a remote job site populated by a workforce of blue-collars, convicts, patriots, and the complete opposite of an environment the likes of a liberal arts degree path in a music school, having once been diagnosed bipolar, despite the host of quack-in-the-box docs, fear-mongering 1st world types doing nothing more than repeating their dysfunctional projections of life in their guise to help, and natural forces that would take any person, regardless of race, sex, color, or any form of categorical traits and force them to understand the value of teamwork, I can say that: My hardest or biggest event I ever did was not give up on life, and not throw my life into such a painful absolute adherence to ideals and personal interests. I learned how nice it is to simply focus on the moment, one step, one breath, and one focus. These things I learned after 45 days of working 12 hours a day in a remote location without a day off. Especially during the fallout of going into the job with the belief the money would make it possible to pursue my passion for music, and then slowly the manual labor begun to unravel the fragile attributes I had developed in music school. There's a whole litany of stories involving friends who've blasted their brains out, watching people die while recreating, and the endless other tangible acts I've now realized were so incredibly messed up that don't really come close to what I've shared. Mostly because I've taken them all as learning opportunities. Every moment gives an opportunity to learn. That is what makes us human, that is how we developed. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Hubski, I'm not bullshitting you anymore: the problems we all face are nothing compared to what is coming. The events soon to unfold will be the ones that define our era in history. Never before in the history of the U.S. has an event like what is coming transpired, what we hold of value will be questioned, challenged, and in most cases completely eradicated. A reset is coming. At the end of the day, we are just very perceptive animals, so our cyclic history shows. Swedishbadgergirl, I have much respect for you and your decision. There is a consequence for every action, and it seems you made yours in a favor that weighed into your own path. March on.
On the work thing. I come from an "academic family" whatever that means. (It means being read bedtime stories and seing science being done, and knowing you want to pursue academia before you fully understand what it is) This summer I worked at a day care. And I learned a lot about myself, maybe number one that i had a work ethic. I have been told (primarly by my dad) that I coast on my natural intelligence, my genetics - not my own doing - but working at that daycare, doing all that work, being sen as a colleague... It made mem realize that I could accomplish stuff, that i could surivive - that even if I didn't publish but perish I would get up again and walk away - still me. Still strong.
And he answered, saying: You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth. For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life's procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite. Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison? But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born, And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life, And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's inmost secret. And I say that life is indeed darkness save when there is urge, And all urge is blind save when there is knowledge, And all knowledge is vain save when there is work, And all work is empty save when there is love; And when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another Then a ploughman said, Speak to us of Work. When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music. Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune. But if you in your pain call birth an affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written. You have been told also life is darkness, and in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary.
I've been passing the time reading poetry (Emily Dickinson right now) so this was very fitting.