It's been a while since my first post about depression, but after lil called me brave for mentioning the issues that prompted us to get Moshi I thought, nah... I'm just being honest about what is going on in my life. Which is why I have shared this article:

So, here's where I'm at: I feel better. Not 'over it', not 'getting back on my feet', but just... better. Things feel less hectic and I'm more able to think and make progress.

I don't know if Citalopram is helping me or not, some days I feel like a failure for taking medicine (something I never thought I would be doing), other days I don't think it's having any effect, and on a few rare days I can definitely see the improvement and feel happy about the choice. I certainly notice if I forget to take it as I lean more towards that sort of manic energy which sometimes helps to get stuff done, but usually leads me to feeling distracted.

I think I'll be returning to teaching in September, I was going to take a short course to gain a basic teaching certification that would let me tutor at college, mainly as a refresher on teaching concepts and mindset but also as a fallback in case I don't get on well later in the year. But as with all things in life money has been problematic, between getting a puppy and our car blowing up I decided that it wasn't a high priority and I could spend my energy better elsewhere.

The car didn't actually blow up by the way... the radiator did. Almost immediately after putting a deposit down for Moshi, we hit the ring road and white steam started pouring out everywhere. Thankfully our mechanic / family friend is awesome and it wasn't too expensive to replace or take very long, and hey I did lots of walking over those few days so that's at least good for me, right?

I have been going to the gym! I've always been upset with my physical ability, having never really joined in during PE and certainly never having been to a gym. In recent years my poor diet and lack of exercise has really affected my self-esteem and my anxiety has prevented me from really doing anything about it. But the fantastic service that the NHS provides has helped me to get over that and get into a 10 week program for cheap, it's a nice gym and nice people so I'll be continuing with it once I reach the end, and I hope to be able to share good news with you all.

Talking of anxiety, this week was pretty bad. Worrying about getting a puppy, money, and then my concerns over people and going outside sort of boiled over. After a massive freak out and some minor property damage I had to go off to the gym and, wow was that different from the other times I've been. I'm sure other anxiety sufferers can relate: I couldn't breath, my chest was tight, everything was more difficult and I just wanted to stop and cry; but I'm pleased to say I fought through it and finished my session. I don't anticipate it being a problem next time as those stressors have mostly diminished at this point. but it was an insight into how my first gym session would have gone if I had gone it on my own and not had this program to support me.

Anyhow, I know I've mostly just spent this post being negative, so let me leave you on a positive note: Moshi has accepted me as the alpha-male immediately and is really smitten with me! It's very reassuring to know that, no matter how I feel about myself, this little dude thinks I'm just the bees knees.

I'm sure the doggie easter eggs helps buy his affection though.