I've posted about my blog's progress in January. It's a bit, but it's an important bit: the first step, the first month. I don't have much to write about it, but it's an achievement I'd like to share.

I've been learning about relationships for the past month, as well, and it's been a tremedous progress. My first step was to get out of the gutter I've landed myself into while doing my best to "help" people, which wasn't real help: it was me trying to make them into better versions of what they are without their consent, and it never ends well. I did so by getting rid of people who poison my life; I'm still in progress, but there's not much left. Overall, I've been learning to be open and honest about my feelings, as well as understanding that I don't owe anybody anything. Good progress there: it's getting better with every day.

What's more important, however, is that I finally learned to care for myself. A year ago, the thought of me writing all of the above in public would sound ridiculous to me. Who'd want to listen to me mumbling about my life? But it came to me quite recently: I only believe so because I, myself, don't feel worthy of listening to, and that's ridiculous. If others speak up, how am I any worse? It's still quite uncomfortable for me to talk about it - feeling vulnerable like this has never been the state I was comfortable with - but it has to be said because I believe it.

Overall, I've been thinking a lot after declaring my ultimate decision for the next three years on Hubski. Things start looking differently after you've given it a good, hard look and asked yourself whether this is what you truly want or truly believe. It turned out that a lot of things are just my projection of insecurity, fears, anxieties and anger, and it a lot of those things I never truly believed in: I just used them, unknowingly, to defend myself from the harsh reality. It's amazing how a human mind can create an echo chamber of their own, almost completely severed from reality, but in a world this safe, it's a dangerous activity to partake in.

Sometimes, I wonder how much of what I talk about as revelations of my own is known to those I talk to. While it might be my insecurity talking - I do enjoy feeling superior with knowledge and wisdom - I'm also sincerely curious of how much people know and don't know about the world they live in. Sadly, the world doesn't work that way: people prefer to stay quiet about their experiences - perhaps because they assume them to be commonplace? - thus taking away the opportunity of such curious Menschen to learn about others' inner worlds, places sometimes as fascinating as the real world. Or maybe it's not it: maybe it's that other people - most of them, at least - don't experience such an excitement from discovery as I do; I am sensitive, after all.

P.S. I keep forgetting: whoever is in charge of Hubski's CSS, please set the font-family setting to sans-serif. It's jarring to see the Russian phrases turn suddenly into Times New Roman glyphs.