I'm on my way to figuring out relationships. Right now, I'm waiting in a mall for a girl with whom I've had rather... difficult relationships with for the past two quarters of a month. "Difficult" in that they haven't been healthy or productive in any way, and yet I'm drawn to her because she's a broken bird with problems that I've went through earlier in my life - and in my nature is to desire helping others, no matter what. It's been a difficult conversation for me to discuss the relationship with myself. On one hand, she can give me attention and even some sort of twisted affection as long as I bend to her wishes and condone her fake smiles - and for a person who grew up experiencing none of those, they're an important factor, emotionally. On the other, this is damaging me, my self-esteem and my belief in future relationships, and I now realize just how important those are to have; how important it is to care for myself, because I'm important to myself. It's been a battle between short-term pleasures and long-term authenticity and... as much as I'd rather not use the cliched word, happiness. I'm still inclined to help her if there's a good reason for us to continue spending time together. I'd like to find out today if we could make good friends, or was the mutual attraction merely the result of weak boundries for both of us. If we couldn't, there's no point in me helping her, either: that way, I'd be spending time with a person who drags me down along with herself, and that, I realize now, is not a good way to go about living. I'm willing to be open, honest and blunt about what I feel: for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm worth it, and I'm not going to give it away to a person who thinks they aren't.
...she woke up with a flu, an hour after we've appointed. Naturally, she couldn't come. I feel partly relieved because I didn't have to go through the hard talks, but... partly, I feel unsatisfied. The moment of truth was about to come, and it vanished with as little as a phone message. I also realized that, no matter how antagonistic towards the girl I might feel, I don't have it in me to not care about her at all while she's sick. Providing a little compassion and wishing her to get better feels like a good thing to do. I'm not going to go out of my way to comfort her - which is new to me, and it's a progress in setting up boundries - but it doesn't mean I have to be a dick to her, either. How peculiar is life: in nothing happening, you can still learn things.
You're right: I shouldn't. It's that I've been stuck with the idea of being not worthy of doing good by myself for so long that makes it so important to me right now to see that I rise above it. Wanted to share it with the Hubski folks for the same reason. Thank you.Best of luck.