Not my friend's experiences. Mine. I spent a New Year's Eve at a Korean nightclub where he and I were the only white folx there. No one would talk to me. I was super butthurt. Found out later that a rumor had gone around that I was Axl Rose and they were all giving me space because they thought I was hiding from the paparazzi. Don't get me wrong - Asians complain about this all the time, while also grilling each other every third sentence about their nationality. Then they also argue about how fobby everyone is. And, just like African Americans get to call each other the n-word freely but white people's careers can be ruined by the rumor of it, nobody who isn't Asian gets to say shit about it. And that's my beef - if you're a minority, you get to talk about it all day. If you're white, you're an oppressor for noticing. A culture has been created where I can get in trouble for bringing it up as a point of conversation but if those people I might oppress feel comfortable around me, they'll talk about it all day long. It's a super-tricky path to walk - you have to know when you're in enough to even acknowledge that you hear the discussion because if you broach it too early, you'll spend the remainder of your relationship in the awkward white guy zone. Refuse to acknowledge it until too late and you become perpetually labeled as uncomfortable around Asians. Articles like this? They make it harder, not easier. The "baggage" discussed is carried by everybody, not just immigrants and people of color, and pretending it's a one-sided issue only makes it heavier.
Maybe one day I'm going to learn to stop disagreeing with the arguments you make on my posts, and maybe one day I'll post something you like, and I won't have to. Who knows. I obviously misinterpreted your original statement. By referring to your friend, I assumed you were indicating that you hadn't had personal interactions with them. Again, we've probably had different experiences with our Asian American friends. I haven't experienced any of the attitudes that you're referring to, and my city has several thriving Asian American communities. That said, I still feel like the sentiments expressed in the article are accurate. I do think it's rude to ask someone "Where are you from?" as a way of avoiding asking about their ethnicity. My takeaway from this article is that we shouldn't beat around the bush when asking someone about their ethnicity. If you ask someone where they're from, expect them to answer with their birthplace, hometown, whatever. If you want to know about their ethnicity, ask them about it directly. The last paragraph of the article, I thought, summed it up nicely: I think the reason I'm having trouble understanding your anger over this article is because of this difference in understanding. I don't think that the article is advocating we ignore people's nationalities or ethnicity, and I think that's the way you're interpreting it. The way I understood it, the author wanted people to start conversations on these subjects in a direct, respectful way, and the question, "Where are you from?" doesn't feel that way to the author, or any of my friends who have had this question posed to them. Maybe I'm the one misinterpreting the article, but this was the point my friend made, and the reason I thought it might be an interesting article to share.If the conversation is naturally veering toward a discussion of origins and there’s genuine interest, I don’t mind being asked where I’m from. I would prefer, however, being asked more specific questions—where did you grow up? Were you born there? Do your parents still live there? Where did you live before you moved here? These queries are more transparent to me, and permit me to give more concise, nuanced answers.
Polite disagreement is the entire point of discussion, as far as I'm concerned. By all means, please continue to disagree. Here's the thing: the last time I asked someone where they were from, I was in college, they had an extremely thick accent, and they were taking notes in something that looked like Amharic, but wasn't. That was when I found out that one side of the room wasn't talking to the other because they were literally at war. Somewhat awkward. And you're right - the Asian kids in the class didn't care. None of us did, really. Beyond frat and non-frat it simply wasn't an issue. But then I come down to LA and everybody cares. And here's where I take issue with the article: it's a bunch of Facebook quotes informing me that everything I've ever done is wrong and that there's a right way and a wrong way to ask the same question and minorities are allowed to be offended by me if I use the wrong syntax. Fuck that. If you want to give a specific answer, give a specific answer. Don't lay out a mental minefield for me such that you can choose to be offended no matter what I do.I would prefer, however, being asked more specific questions—where did you grow up? Were you born there? Do your parents still live there? Where did you live before you moved here? These queries are more transparent to me, and permit me to give more concise, nuanced answers.
Honestly, as long as we've established that I'm not saying we should ignore ethnicity (and that I don't believe the article does, either), I'm fine with us disagreeing on this point. It might be a hassle, but I know it's something that's important to people I care about, so I'm going to change my behavior to make them more comfortable. The Facebook posts, to me, felt like people expressing how they felt in response to something I (or others) might do, and I don't want to invalidate their opinions because they feel like a personal attack against me. None of the social media posts (and I only casually looked through them again, so I'm probably wrong) were talking directly about white people anyways. The whole crux of the issue is summarized in this post, which ties into your comment here. Nobody is saying not to look for common ground (which I don't think is the goal people usually have when asking this question), but to use more direct questions that people might be more comfortable with. And really, at the end of the day, I don't really care what you do. People I love care about this, so I choose to care about it as well. I honestly thought that the hubski crowd would like the article more, but at the very least I'm glad that it's caused this discussion. And to be clear, because I felt like my earlier comment came off as a little bit whiny, I do enjoy your input on my posts, and your presence on hubski as a whole. I don't usually respond to your comments, since I don't usually have as much free time as I've used on this thread, but I do read them all, and I'm glad they're there.
Here's the difference: Your entrance to this subject was through people you care about, expressing an opinion about something that mattered to them. My entrance to this subject was the fact that as a straight white male, the Internet is either telling me I'm wrong about something or reinforcing the fact that I'm god's gift to this earth and all other races, creeds, and genders must bow before me. As the latter position can be dismissed (with prejudice) by inspection, the former position becomes all the more annoying. I can't help but notice, however, that every time the internet tells white people they're wrong, White People on the Internet get a little more strident and unbearable, myself included. And I'm pretty sure it isn't good for harmony.It might be a hassle, but I know it's something that's important to people I care about, so I'm going to change my behavior to make them more comfortable.