I feel lonely and have no idea what to do with it.
Louis C. K. said something that makes me wonder at the moment: that we fool ourselves by constantly taking part in superficial socialization, often through so called "social networks" and instant messages, rather than feel the real loneliness that's still there; that we'd rather chat with people we barely care about than admit to ourselves that we don't have a good company.
Such loneliness feels terrible. I have no one to talk to about it, and I don't know whether I should. Surely, talking about what you experience often helps, as I can attest personally, but I don't want to come off as needy. Should I rather be alone for a while?
I spend a big part of my day in the university, with a constant group of people with whom I can't relate because of how different our values, goals and experiences are. I don't have any friends or relatives with whom to talk to, and I don't want to talk about it with a counselor because it feels impersonal, somehow. I may be wrong, and maybe it's the idea that counselors are for mad people that plays into my motives.
What do I do? Do I just stop whining and persevere?
I would start by being open about other people values, goals and experiences. Another thing you should be aware of is the hedgehog dilemma. If you don't want to be open about other persons experiences, then you should put yourself in a situation where more like minded people like yourself gather. A third option I would try is meditation and embrace the loneliness.
You say you can't relate to other people in your group because you have a different set of expectations. Well, unless you are unbelievably charming, most of the people you meet are not going to follow you in your world of expectations. Don't reject their goals because they are different, don't reject their experiences because they are different to yours, as a matter of fact, try to find where they are the same, what brings them enjoyment or sadness. That when you are at that moment with them, forget how different they are and just be with them, listening and interacting with them. Life is a set of experiences, and a more fulfilled life is a life that doesn't go around rejecting possible outcomes all of the time. I mean, is not like you are in a ghetto or in a war environment and your life is at risk of ending if you follow someone different than you for a while, the worst that can happen is that you end up bored. Well, that's just my opinion.
I see what you mean. Perhaps, reiterating my statement would help, because I wasn't entirely clear the first time. I find most of my groupmates shallow, insecure and often self-centered. The things they're discussing are, from my perspective, boring, insignificant and meaningless. They talk because they want to talk to somebody, which I'm not interested in (gotta have standards). I don't want to spend time with most of my groupmates so that I will not adapt to their ways. My mind already has its own collection of self-destructive ideas which I want to purge, and spending time with those people won't help me any; I'm afraid it will even encourage them. Don't even get me started on going good to them - as in, helping them come out of their shells or something: I'm not the guy; see above for reasons. Like I said, I understand what you mean. Given a good person, I would be glad to spend time with them even if we're different in views. Maybe my groupmates are good people, too, and I just haven't discovered it, but they aren't engaging me as persons right now. EDITed the post a bit; I made it unnecessarily angry at first and painted my groupmates in a worse light than I intended to.
If they are a bad influence in some way then that's your own thing to decide about. Otherwise, I used to feel like you did, but now I would disagree with this attitude. I talk to people to find the human connection, probe a mind about some interesting topic, establish common ground. The way I did this was to talk to the low-hanging fruit [easy but not lacking value], who already clearly matched what I was looking for, but what I only later discovered was that the connection I'm looking for is almost always there. It's past the universal insecurity and the layers of social protocol. The common ground is always there too, but sometimes it has to be abstracted a little before the equation is clear. We can move from the concrete what do you do? to the abstract what is your aim and what are you accomplishing? and when we find out that this person is in nursing because they enjoy helping others in a tangible, direct, sometimes urgent way, we can go from there and bridge it to our own concept of how we want to help others, or whatever we feel is our purpose in life and how we're implementing it. Sometimes if you move too fast on that it can still be weird though. It can be hard to feel out when it's a good time to segue deeper. I wonder if people who need to talk to somebody are only searching for the start of a proper connection. Surely there are those who just want to run their mouths but I haven't really met very many who want to stay at the surface. This isn't a call for you to pull anyone out of their shell though. Not really your job if you're not into it. But almost everyone is behind some kind of barrier, and some of the barriers are so strong that a real person can seem to be missing completely, but if you're both interested in connecting, this can be worked through. It was pretty refreshing for me to move from the old way of seeing people, to one where there's always some vein of deep thought and human story to be sought out and mined.
Can you give me an example of how would you approach people or build a conversation while you don't know them well using your approach? From what I understand, it's often a defense mechanism, a verbal wall between one and their company so as to not get wounded emotionally. It's among the very few things preventing people from connecting on a meaningful level even if they desire to: the wish to not be wounded again (because there's always an emotional trauma beforehand, whether a single short one or a long continuous one). So, no matter how annoying the verbal wall might be, you can't but feel at least somewhat sorry for them and commiserate on the pain they've received.Surely there are those who just want to run their mouths but I haven't really met very many who want to stay at the surface.
I've been thinking about it because it's not some kind of strategy I worked out, just me remembering (I'm not very good at that) what has happened seemingly naturally. I'm not sure what sort of situation you're imagining but I don't usually have the chance to talk to a total stranger and go from there to the juicy bits. Usually it's at work. Maybe there are a couple of people talking in the smoking area, and in that situation especially, it's easy to join the conversation and nudge toward things like the underlying reasons/motivations of something, and probe at the personality and so on. Even if it's just one coworker I hadn't really talked to much before, we might start talking about an issue one of us was working on, and once that exchange is comfortable then we can move from Facts and Happenings to Principles and Theories holding them up, and so on. I'm not saying we get really really personal from a cold start, but I find that it's not hard to get past small talk. Anyway, you asked for examples and I'm not really giving any, but I think I'll just have to watch the conversations I have and see if I can bring back examples. Making it up or remembering it is escaping me at the moment.
I see what you mean. Perhaps, I've been striving towards this myself: I've always found myself interested in why people do it rather than what they do; often enough, what they do immediately provokes my "Why?". Has any example of how to start such a conversation or to steer it into a more... shall we say, intimate direction occured to you yet? I'm curious of how might I enhance my conversational skills.
Is this superficial socialization? Maybe. But look at that amazing meetup in Denver of five strangers: Superficial socialization of the internet becomes actual human beings in a real-world location. and it does break down the loneliness to know that a human being is reading and thinking about your words. There are many kinds of connections, online and offline realities As kleinbl00 wisely said recently: and remember, if the universe can create someone like you with your values, goals, and experiences, the universe can create someone for you. end of lil-rantI spend a big part of my day in the university, with a constant group of people with whom I can't relate because of how different our values, goals and experiences are.
There's got to be people at the university with your values, goals, and experiences -- unless it's a teeny tiny university. And yes, the university would likely have free counselling somewhere -- and yes, talk to us.The difference between navel-gazing and reflection is action.
Never meant Hubski. Here, people discuss topics they care about and show exactly how they feel. To call this superficial is to be gravely mistaken. What I meant was talking about stuff that matters for nobody for as long as it may be discussed. Who really gives this much shit about an exercise being so difficult? If one does, one best to revise their priorities - and this is how you define superficial socialization. I don't want to talk about crap with people who exist merely as a physical shell - I want to have meaningful conversations with those who do exist; I want to interact with interests and be impressed or disappointed by what is real. That you managed to gather in reality and still have a good enough conversation is a miracle, let's not kid ourselves. Hubski is a small circle of people who genuinely care for one another and the topics discussed, and there aren't a lot of those around or at all. I'm glad to be a part of it and I'm happy for you fellas. Maybe it's as rare for me as I imagine, or maybe I just close myself to opportunities with others because I'm terrified of being vulnerable; either way, you had what I may not be able to. It's not to say I don't have to try, but - it's fucking hard to. I can spill my soul to you because you're an online entity for my mind's care, and talking to real people is so much more difficult. Again, not to say I won't try. Gotta keep the effort up, I suppose, and stand up once fallen. And - yeah, talking about it helps. Thanks for the opportunity. I know. Hard to remember that when you're disappointed in someone once again, at least for me. I tried putting my faith in too many people this time, just like I did when I first attended university. The first time failed miserably because I persisted in getting to know those people despite them having no interest in me or even outright rejecting me. God damn my mind's crazy. Currently doing my best not to fall into the same trap again, as well as trying to find people to spend good time with. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Now I'm getting back to studying: if the people business is going no good, studying - in a damn university - won't let me down, and damn it's good to feel prepared and knowledgeable.Is this superficial socialization? Maybe.
and remember, if the universe can create someone like you with your values, goals, and experiences, the universe can create someone for you.
Did you try joining any clubs or societies in college? I know in my university there's a ton that are really, really active. They're a great way to meet new people and hopefully they organize a few nights out, so at least they'll keep you distracted for a little while! Also, keep an eye out for events that are going on in your city! The more new people you meet the more likely it is you'll come across someone with whom you can relate. The tricky part is getting started, particularly for introverted people :).
Currently on the lookout for things that interest me. Probably gonna meet new people anyway because of the second language studying: given how few people want to study German in the group, we're probably going to merged with another such small faction from another group. Given already a set of common interests, it might be a meeting with most potential yet. Thanks for the ideas: those remind me, time and time again, that there are ways, and while there are ways, I can still do something about what bothers me.Did you try joining any clubs or societies in college?
Man, I know I comment on a lot of your stuff - I promise that I'm not an internet stalker, you just happen to be involved with things that interest me. Talk to us about it! I have had a few sessions with a Psychiatrist when at my worst mental state and personally, I found it incredibly helpful. She was a pair of ears who refused to let me sugar coat anything - I became brutally honest with myself and it helped me cope with things very quickly. From my talks with close friends, talking to a professional might only be applicable for certain people. I know many view them with distrust as they are literally paid to listen to you and help you - and that sort of detracts from the emotional connection you're undoubtedly craving. But! If the option is there, maybe give it a couple of sessions? Failing that, talk to us here!
Hey, I always appreciate a good comment. Besides, you're a cheerful fellow, and I don't have many of those in my life. Shit, even chatting with you does good to my mood and general feeling. So, thanks for that. I appreciate it very much that you keep popping in and cheering me up. I'll give it a shot anyway: there are plenty of issues with my head worth fixing, not just that I'm terrified of being alone. Might as well talk about this. I was afraid of talking to Hubskians because, well, I didn't want to come off as needy, which I did plenty of times before. This seems to be less of an issue right now, which is a point of small pride for me. Thanks for the offer. lil got to me first while I was in a better mood today, but I appreciate the offer nonetheless.
Hey, I'm a bit late to this thread, but the title reminded me of a great video I saw a while ago: How to be Alone And as weird as it sounds, when I was kinda lonely in middle school, I found a lot of comfort in online communities - find somewhere online that fits your interests and participate there. More recently, I would say find a nearby pub (if 21), cafe, public space and just hang there - being 'invovled' in public can help with loneliness. And never feel bad for thinking/talking about and taking care of yourself!
Meditation helps. I had a long stint in High School and college where I felt exactly how you do. Hell, I still feel that way sometimes. But I always find that it helps to work through why you feel the way you do, and act on that. The only way to grow is to engage with your imperfections, not merely acknowledge them. If you feel your loneliness is an imperfection, by all means reach out and ask the questions or say the things you aren't sure how to elsewhere. I can't imagine any of us here would begrudge you for it. Besides, it's healthy to gaze into the pit every now and then. All those vapors and naggings that come when you least expect don't just promise destruction, but rebirth. That's why they're so frightening and yet so hard to shake. Grab a drink, find a quiet corner and talk to them for a bit. You might learn something.
It's totally normal to feel this way.I also feel the same sometimes , but mostly It doesn't bother me, because I can do plenty of activities by myself.It's such a rare thing to find "true" friends who keep encouraging you to go on with your goals.You are your best friends.The best solution is to find a good hobby, things you enjoy doing most and get involved in it .