Absolutely killer banter. The dialogue was cheesy but totally believable and endearing to all characters involved. The only thing I have to say is that three rules of conversing seem to float outside of the story. If he was pulling them from the pool of fireball pooled in him brain as he crossed the bar, or used them in the conversation, I could see how they hooked back into the story. If you can pull those rules in to the ending, I can see it hook back into the story, but right now it's just kind of floating above everything like an Emily Post rulebook sitting on the back bar between the Cutty Sark and Jim Beam. Maybe I'll like it once I sleep on it, but for now it seems odd. This though, fucking brilliant.Tonight he had a wind named Lauren at his back
I don't write so much as just say things that happened to me in a more interesting way. I always toast to Jesus and those are my 3 rules. However, I did totally realize halfway through that I had slipped in to writing a romantic comedy, but was more disappointed in myself than my writing because it all happened that way. Why fight it?
I'm imagining a totally romantic comedy ending where, in the sobriety of the morning, the character loses a booze induced cool and awkwardly falls back on the three rules of conversation over a painfully awkward breakfast. But there's no shame in slipping into a genre just so long as you don't prop your story up on it.