Dear single ladies (all the single ladies),

You took a selfie. You knew the picture was happening. Why do you look so surprised in the picture? Your eyebrows are above the hairline on your neck. Did you time travel from the 1600s and now somehow have an affinity for midriff tank tops (Finally back again) but not yet grasp how photography works? I applaud your priorities and realize that dating again can be hard, but selfies make everyone look awful. The least that you can do is try to look normal.

While we're on the topic of selfies, please explain what happens to your lips and hands every time a camera comes around. It's as if you revert to some evolutionary predecessors when the flash goes off and are forced to make a clawed peace sign and duck lips.

And why are you orange, but you don't match your makeup to that skin tone? The entire temperature scale of your body should not drastically stutter at somewhere in the middle of your neck.

If you have a kid in your picture, that's your kid. Ain't nobody got no time to be Detective Dan over here trying to chat you up to see if you work at a daycare.

If you are in a group picture, I know. I know that you're not the pretty one in the group. That's cool. You don't have to be pretty, but you do have to be confident. If you are in a picture with one other woman, and then in the next picture you are with that same woman again then you had better both be good looking because I'm not taking anymore time for this. If we were at a bar like in the olden times then you would have had much less time to catch someone's eye as the glance around the bar to check the ledger; so don't call me impatient.

But also, you have to be pretty. It's Tinder, it's solely based on the gatekeeping of hot or not. There's a 500 character bio to make you feel like you're not being judged on your appearance alone, but I could put that my PhD is in being rich and kind and unless the ladies get a good face shot I'm not getting matched.

I'm sorry that in my zeal I have swiped left on some very right-swipeable women and you may be one. Sometimes Tinder hangs and when it catches up I've swiped past the girl who has a funny joke in her profile, knows how to take a picture with the proper amount of makeup, and has a good job. That's not what I wanted to do, but Tinder wants more than 99 cents to be able to undo. 99 cents sure, but it's probably not love anyway, so that's my limit.

It's nothing personal. I'm sure you understand.