I've been feeling weird lately. Movies meaning so much. A lot of emotions. I've been drinking 3 or 4 nights a week almost for years. I haven't held down a job almost ever. Just random jobs. I'm almost 29. I feel like a fuck up. I did good in college, but dropped out. I won a journalist award. First place column in my state in my division.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I don't want to go to the free clinic for medication. I'm almost certain I'm depressed. I think I've developed OCD from drinking and depression. I have a lot of ticks and stuff. Sometimes I feel like I can't think. Like every thought is bad. Or if I feel happy the universe will conspire to make me suffer. It's terrifying and crazy. I need help. I need to stop drinking. Maybe that would be enough to get me through.
I'm not happy with some choices I've made. I don't know if I'm still a good person. I want to be a good person. Just got too fucked up and treated myself and others without caring about what I did.
Your story (journalism, college dropout, drinking) is eerily close to my own. Just got off a week of nightshifts and I'm already two glasses in but I can't wait to give you a better answer this afternoon. I hope someone inspires you before then. You're not a fuckup.
Sorry I promised you an afternoon reply. It's midnignt because I've been going through my own doldrums. Summers are hellish down here. Everyone and everything is on fire. One can barely think. I'm 28. I grew up poor but lucked out in a decent school thanks to a hateful grandfather. I wrote for my newspaper in highschool and college, with dreams of a degree in journalism. My psychological handicaps had been evolving since a young age, and my selfmedication reached a zenith my sophomore year with a felony arrest and long year of rehabilitation. I gave up on everything for a time. Things got very dark. I used. I drank. I cried watching The Fifth Element :) I don't know you. I tell you all this just so you know you're not alone. Everyone always says "Get help" like it's some Holy Grail but they can only help as much as you're willing to help yourself. I can't hold a job either. Who the fuck can these days? They're all about the bottom line. Nothing for a young man these days. Only reason I haven't walked out of my plant job is because it supports a life with someone I love. She is my only reason. I loathe what I have become. I'm bitter about what I could've been. I drink. It doesn't really help. In fact it sometime hurts. Same old story I guess. Hate to be such a statistic but the reality is I would go batshit insane living the primadonna Anonymous life. I enjoy the little things. I live for the small oases of life. I still have dreams and I still have love for people, even myself. I haven't felt well lately and I'm truly sorry if my rant is off topic. I think you and I would do much better face to face. I do think you should find something more fulfilling than the bottom of a bottle. That is the true home of down and out fuckups. It is the revolving door. You know how I know you're not a fuckup? A true fuckup would never worry about it. You've got a good heart. You need to share it with somebody. Never give up. We need you to stay.
I think you and enjoyablethings might like this comic that I just posted (actually just found after a few weeks trying to find it but failing). You guys aren't fuckups, and I know it can be hard to see that for yourself let alone accept it from someone else.
I can relate to that feeling, sometimes it puts you on edge just waiting for it to all come crashing down... but the truth is: it's not going to happen, ever. This is a mental barrier that can be easy to overcome but once you do you'll want to climb back over as there's some sort of security in the idea -- if you don't do anything that makes you happy, nothing can happen. But please understand that those moments are fleeting, it is just a natural response to escape change and escape responsibility, but some souls feel it heavier than others. There's no magic one solution fits all, clinics and therapy can help some, alternative pursuits can help others, the one factor common to all though is determination. You are in control, you can break through the barrier, and you can continue on without climbing back. Also alcohols a depressant, please do consider lowering your intake and eventually stopping; there's so much more to life and you're still young. Everyone can be a good person, some just never choose to, but it sounds like you want to be and that's an important factor. Try defining for yourself what a good person is, what does he do, what does he say? Then you can work on how to affect those changes within yourself.if I feel happy the universe will conspire to make me suffer
Journalism award? First place? Halfway into my twenty-eighth year myself, and though I feel muchly similar pain, I do it without such accolades and potential. I get tired of lying to myself that I'll be okay, maybe, some day, eventually. I don't want to Be Someone, I just want to know who I am.