- Recent studies suggests that kids with overinvolved parents and rigidly structured childhoods suffer psychological blowback in college.
I grew up with a hippie for a father who liked to show me how to do things, and talk with me about life, and a mother who thought crossing a subdivision street was dangerous. Guess who I got along with better? Guess who I call for advice when I need it? I love my mother, and we've had a good relationship since I moved out (which I did on my 18th birthday--best present ever), but if I have children the most important thing I'll have learned from her is how not to treat a kid. I can remember being very young and wanting nothing more than to be taken seriously as a person. The ability to make decisions for oneself is among the most important things that makes us human. Fortunately, I got a job when I was 14. That was the best thing I ever did for myself, and what I would recommend all teenagers do. First I worked on a golf course, then at a restaurant. The restaurant was the best, because even though I was 15 when I started, if I did a good job, everyone treated me like I was a person. If I fucked up, they still treated me like a person; the boss there didn't pull punches just because you were young. I loved every minute of it. It was the anti-high school, a place where I had clearly defined responsibilities, but could be whoever I wanted to be so long as those responsibilities were taken care of. I became the shift manager by the time I was 16 (probably not legal, but it was a small place), and I actually felt good about myself when I was there in a way that I hadn't ever before. My career now has nothing to do with the restaurant business, but I feel that the experience I had there definitely helped shape the way I interact with the world. I'm not blaming my teen angst and depression solely on my mom, but her constant attempts to control my life certainly didn't help at all. I think many parents simply need to recognize that kids aren't pets; they're people. As long as you keep that small fact in mind, you've got 99% of the battle won already.
My mother was abusive. The helicopter parent idea, and its general acceptance allowed her to blend right in with real parents. She cloaked extraordinarily controlling behavior in the clothes of helicopter parenting which has made me extremely sour towards both that idea and the 'tiger mother' idea. The reality from my perspective is, constantly having someone looking over your shoulder does breed anxiety. You are after all being watched, and often criticized. Further this attitude of parenting keeps the kids from learning life skills and independence, which keeps them dependent. Helicopter parents then use that to justify their control. This behavior also breeds a feeling of helplessness, as you are aware you lack skills, but also feel you have so little control because of all the scrutiny and constant following orders, that you can't do anything. I can easily see how this leads to low self worth and depression.
The correlation between helicopter parenting and anxiety could easily be explained another way: perhaps parents with anxious children tend to do more "overparenting" because they're concerned about their kids. But my instinct says that the main point of the article is right, anyway.
Like b_b I grew up with a hippie parent (my mother) who let me make my own decisions and treated me like a grown-up. In my case, though, this was the only parent I had. I try not to regret anything or re-write the past. But. I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had a little more helicopter parenting. I never had a bedtime. Schedules were extremely vague (there were never set mealtimes, laundry and cleaning were sporadic). No-one ever made sure I did my homework. If I didn't want to go to school, that was my prerogative. From the age of 8 I was allowed out on my own (in London) with a (unenforced) curfew of 9pm. By the time I was thirteen, it was midnight (also unenforced). While this taught me some useful skills, there were knock-on effects.
I missed some school, which in turn made me miss even more school.
I spent my early teen years in nightclubs full of people twice my age (and it was the '90s, they had recreational drugs). I was shy, and young. I wasn't good at saying "no" confidently. By the time I was 18 I'd been in rehab-type programmes three times: once for substance abuse, once for anorexia nervosa, once for depression. I can't blame a lack of helicopter parenting for any of this. It was me making those poor decisions, me being lazy at times and weak at others.
But still, sometimes I wonder what I could have achieved if I'd had a bit more discipline in childhood.
What? On topic though this was definitely interesting to read and analyze my own upbringing. My parents were definitely helicopter parents until around 6th or 7th grade at which point they stopped almost cold turkey. It was a weird transition from having your parent check your homework thoroughly everyday to have them simply ask if it was done. Remembering back I'm sure that affected me because I have some deep seeded fears about the future of my life. There was another article posted about how punishment for children wasn't an effective method of handling children with behavioral problems. I think the main connection between these two pieces is we really have to start treating our children a little more like capable adults. I'm not saying they are anywhere near as capable as adults, but they have the ability to express concerns and do things on their own. I think this image that kids are these vulnerable dandelions who will collapse when one strong gust rolls in isn't the right way to approach it.One kid’s father threatened to divorce her mother if the daughter didn’t major in economics.