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comment by galen
galen  ·  3484 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Do you desire power?

Absolutely. For the majority of my life thus far I have found myself frustrated by my powerlessness against the forces underlying my day-to-day existence. This was first manifested in my dissatisfaction with school, which seemed unable to mitigate. It showed up again and again in my personal and academic life, and over time I developed a deep-seated fear and loathing of powerlessness. Today powerlessness is quite probably my greatest fear, as well as my greatest hatred, so I feel on my less charitable days that I'm obligated to seek out and monopolize whatever power I can. This search informs how I interact with people, what I choose to do, and who I choose to do it with.

I sometimes worry that, left unchecked, this fear could develop, leading me down the terrifying path of an amoral power-monger. But it is my hope that through self-awareness, intentional development of my moral compass, and mere avoidance of powerlessness I can build the strength necessary to stave off this future.





BLOB_CASTLE  ·  3484 days ago  ·  link  ·  

What, more specifically, do you feel powerlessness about? You said the "forces underlying your day-to-day existence," but what does that normally entail? What do you do more specifically to try to gain more power?

How you ever tried simply acknowledging and embracing powerlessness?

galen  ·  3482 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Usually the powerlessnes comes from societal expectations and my unwillingness to break them, or my reliance on other people; e.g. having to stay in school and get good grades, or not being able to make someone like me (respectively). So a lot of times I try to counter this explicitly, like when I sought leadership of our high school government and then set it up in such a way as to be a de facto dictator. But more pervasively, I also tend to do favors for people or act kindly to them not purely on the merit of those actions, but also to establish a sort of personal debt that I can then invoke in situations where I feel powerless. So it becomes like a safety net.

I've occasionally tried embracing powerlessness, but something deep within me just can't stand it. If I can do something to improve my situation I feel that I must, and if there's nothing I can do, I feel absolutely suffocated.