Love it. This is something I've been struggling with a lot lately-- forcing myself to recognize how I make people feel and actively trying to improve that.Being kind is fundamentally about taking responsibility for your impact on the people around you. It requires you be mindful of their feelings and considerate of the way your presence affects them.
I've been wrestling with this for years. You have to understand the impact of your actions. But you're not responsible for other people's feelings towards you, ultimately. It has very little to do with you. It's about them and their experiences. However I can't really argue with anyone advocating for self awareness and a little understanding. I've always been fascinated with the idea of the "truth" and the "greater good." It's all in your head, you know.
You can't change how other people act, but you can change your attitude to how they react. And, it turns out, your attitude can affect how other people act quite a bit. I used to have a phone wallpaper that said something like "be kind. You never know what kind of shit other people are dealing with." it was much for inspiring and eloquent than that, but it was a helpful reminder to be aware that I'm not the only person in this universe. Whatever I have on my plate - a bad day, a better place to be - the other person just has just as much shit they are dealing with.
Phone wallpaper is a great idea. For myself, I have to intentionally make sure that I go beyond just thinking "I respect this person's perspective" and ensure that I do something so they KNOW that I respect their viewpoint even when I am passionate about my own. It is amazing what a great work (and other) environment like that creates, even with co-workers whose viewpoints are so different from my own.
The realization hit me hard. In short, I thought my job was to be right. I thought that was how I proved my worth to the company. But that was all wrong. My job was to get things done and doing anything meaningful past a certain point requires more than one person. If you are right but nobody wants to work with you, then how valuable are you really? How much can you realistically expect to accomplish on your own? I was “winning” my way out of a job one argument at a time.
-I think most of us have met people like this. It's a shame that often in life advanced technical capability doesn't correlate to social capability. Thank goodness mk and forwardslash are such social butterflies.
Thanks for the shoutout. Boz, the author, was able to listen to feedback and become thoughtful about his behaviour. That's very lucky for him. Some people have difficulty with self-reflection. The friend provided evidence and the author was able to see the truth in it. It is difficult understanding that people might not see us the way we see ourselves. It's important to seek and listen to feedback from people we respect. It is more difficult changing. It's interesting that he says "I thought my job was to be right." Even in engineering, there are many shades of right. We don't enjoy talking to people who are full of certainty about their own rightness. There's no point. The way to invite conversation is to do this. State your position of supposed rightness. Give your reasons. Then add, "What do you think?" Listen to the answers. If you are right, you'll have a chance to get buy-in. People won't buy into your vision unless they understand it from their own points of view.