What a crazy week. I drove 12 hours to Michigan from NC on Friday and drove back yesterday. All with a 4 year old in the car. She was great though and we hardly used the iPad. Lot's of singing and chatting. It was nice. Around 6:30 last night we stopped at a rest area so that my daughter could "go." When we were getting back in to our car a man approached us as I was putting my daughter in her car seat. He said, as he approached me with my back facing him, "excuse me sir, my alternator broke on my car, my wife and children are in it and all our credit cards are missing, can you help me out?" My first inclination was, my daughter and I are vulnerable right now and this guy is likely full of shit. The man looked distraught and had I been alone I would have engaged him in conversation and attempted to help. However, I was alone and the parking lot was pretty empty and I had my daughter with me. I said, "I'm sorry man, it's just me and my daughter. Good luck." I shut my daughters door, got in the car and drove off. I felt like an asshole. What should I have done? What would you have done?
Honestly, I wish there was just a way to break the cycle of deceit. I hate the feeling of prying into why someone needs money and even detecting whether it is a "worthy cause " on my part. The way I see it, someone is asking for money typically because they need money. Like, hustling/panhandling is not steady/reliable/repeatable to a degree that you can do it forever as a means of income and maintain a normal or healthy lifestyle in any way. You do it cause you have to (albeit there are case studies where I'm sure someone has done otherwise, however, this far from the norm), but you can't really just tell someone "I need to pay back my credit on my pill habit" or "I need a fucking 40 so bad I'll totally do this humiliating thing until I am numb to the effect it is having on my psyche, thanks due, in turn, to the liquor itself" or "I have undiagnosed and untreated schizophrenia/bipolar disorder/substance abuse issues and I need money just acquire basic necessities". The only times these transactions have ever gotten aggressive are when they were aggressive from the get-go, they have never "turned" aggressive in my experience. And I, as a smaller, fragile enough looking "faggy" white boy, definitely get accosted aggressively more than most. I pretty much just adhere to a couple rules that have done me well: -No sob stories. I just shut them down. If someone is doing a long, dragged-on thing to eventually influence me to give them some money that didn't seem like it at first, I just say "hey, you coulda just asked, but now you've wasted my time." -max $5. that's it, just give it and walk away, maybe with a "Good luck and stay safe". - I will buy you food or some direct resource. Just be cool about it. -You're never an asshole, neither of you. You are both caught in the maelstrom of influences that is outside of your control that manifests itself into the scenario, and you absolutely retain the right to not participate. I don't have much input for someone with a kid, though. I would take faarrrr less risks if I had a 4-year-old right there depending on me, especially if someone walks up to me with my back turned. Maybe his story was true, but so was yours.
Those are good rules and I would have absolutely been more patient with the fella had I not had my child with me. There are certain unspoken rules and he kind of broke one. It was late, and just me and my kid. He saw that and should have respected it. Had I been alone or with another adult, I would have likely helped out and given him a few bucks.
You and your daughter were alone, and your first priority is to her. Even if the guy was genuine I don't think you did anything unreasonable. This is the second story here about people being stopped for help with "car trouble." Is this a common thing? I don't live in the US and I don't drive so I don't really know what it's like, but is this what you do when you have car trouble? Just ask random strangers for help?
if you have skillz and money, you call AAA or google "roadside service." Here's the trick: we're empathetic to trouble, we've all been there and into this chasm parachutes the con artist. Think about it: If you have any sort of social net, you call your social net. If you have no sort of social net, you rely on paid services. If you have no social net and no ability to rely on paid services, you're staring into the abyss of homelessness. And nobody wants to be the person who pushes another human being (or beings) into the abyss of homelessness, so we try and help. And we lose money and sometimes worse.
It's amazing how some things work. Every Saturday I take my daughter to dance class in downtown Durham. There's a coffee shop below the dance studio. I normally sit there and work. Today, a man approached me and asked me if I could buy him a coffee and a cookie. I gladly did. His name was Tony, we talked about the weather, it's a beautiful fall day here. Sunny and about 50 degrees out. Tony was worried because winter is around the corner. It was a pleasant exchange and I was glad to help. He approached it in a legit way. Everyone should be able to have a cup of coffee. I now feel someone exonerated. Edit: I'm still sitting here in the coffee shop. Some others in here saw him ask me and saw me buy him the coffee. A woman have him a couple of dollars and another couple bought him a gift rad for the coffee shop. -Tony is cleaning up today!
When owning a car, there are certain things that will just occur. For example, you will get a flat tire, your battery will die etc. These are things that it is not uncommon to ask a stranger for help with. Why? Because all it takes is a bit of sweat and no money to accomplish. Strangers have jumper cables, strangers may be better at changing a tire. However, asking a stranger for money to fix your car is not common.
I think you did the right thing. The story is fairly suspicious and cliché: car trouble, loved ones stranded, obvious solution via credit cards ruled out before anyone asked. If he is mechanically savvy enough to know that his alternator is broken, he should know that you can drive a good while with a dead alternator; I've done so. Realistically, the most you would have done is pass him some cash, right? That wouldn't solve his car troubles, certainly not at that hour; maybe it would get him a taxi ride somewhere nearby. If he can call a taxi, he should be able to call a friend instead of hitting up strangers. If he has no friends nearby and no credit cards for a hotel, giving him a little cash probably isn't going to help much. Make it a point to help somebody else out instead, somebody that you recognize as having a need. I probably would have done what you did, or I might have done something else.What should I have done?
What would you have done?
Moving from the city to the burbs has some pros and cons. One of the biggest pros is not being harassed for money literally every single day of my life. After a while your reflex just takes over and you blurt out, "I don't have any money," whenever anyone who looks like they're the type to ask for money comes within 20 feet of you.