Hey, thanks for sharing. I wonder if you have ever had such feedback in the past? Does this come out of left field or, if you are totally honest with yourself, does it not surprise you? When I was in college I had a roommate tell me that I was an "arrogant bastard" in anger. The nickname stuck and years later he would send me this as an affectionate joke. The thing is he wasn't the first or the last person to call me something like that. After a while I had to assess, am I actually an arrogant bastard? Arrogant - Well, I'm not exactly humble Bastard -Well, my parents weren't married when I was conceived. He nailed it. But now I actually know that this perception can exist about me and I take effort to quell any urges towards self-bragadocia etc. It's hard when you're this awesome. (DAMN.. I did it again) Thing is, when you have one persons perception of you to be "aloof or snobbish" you can write it off to misunderstanding, but when an entire group of disparate individuals has mentioned it, it's cause for self reflection, which you are doing it seems. That said, it could be that one persons perception of you colored the rest of the peoples. -Does that make sense? First impressions, first stories about someone tend to build momentum. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can come across as "snobbish" or in my case "arrogant" and modifying your interactions/behaviors to change that, so long that you don't compromise your authentic self in doing so. If you have to bend so far backwards to appease people that you are no longer YOU, then fuck it... be a "snob." But if all it takes is a more concerted and immediate, "Thank you very much for the ride" (while looking directly in their eyes and experiencing acknowledgment that they heard your sincerity) -then step up your game. For what it's worth, when I met you in DC you seemed nothing but gracious and kind. But, that was brief and I hadn't driven you anywhere :) Good luck!
uh actually I did receive an arrogant bastard beer glass from a very close friend...SO...we're in very similar boats haha This is the first time I'm hearing this directly in a work environment, although I have had suspicions that others found me standoffish at other jobs in the past. So now that I'm aware of it, I'm taking steps to move beyond it. i also posted this on r/2x just to hear from other women because I was concerned it was a sexism thing (women that are quiet are aloof snobs but quiet men are mysterious and brooding). I'm seeing that it's a little of both. I'm going to write to my direct boss tomorrow when I've cooled down to see if I can't triangulate this information, especially since she and I are very similar. I'm hoping she has more insights for me. thanks for taking the time to respond and come back to DC soon!
Good idea to write the direct boss. You might also want to copy it to the boss's boss who gave you the feedback. Make a point of thanking the b's b for the feedback -- even though it was hard to hear. When you thank them, it creates the possibility of more valuable openness. If you react badly to feedback, people might stop telling you stuff. Ask her if she has any specific suggestions of how you might seem more engaged around those specific people who complained. The complaints don't mean you are that way. It just means that those people were uncomfortable. The boss or boss's boss might have hired those people and know specific things about what they need or want. Good luck!
follow up time! I talked to my boss and she said she totally disagreed with her boss's comments. she had to be as political as possible about it because she still works there, but she thinks people were unfairly comparing me to the favorite intern (who is admittedly amazing but the position was directly related to his skillset, interests, and course of study) and that she isn't worried so much about the people who purportedly made these complaints because they didn't see that I produced twice as much work as was asked of me originally. I also think there's an element of east/west coast culture clash. My primarily serious jobs have been in DC where people are more to the point and less worried about feelings and charm than in CA.
the take away is that I will try and be more inquisitive in my future endeavors so as to project that sense of engagedness that seemed to be lacking. it will be tough because I like to ruminate on things for a while before asking questions which usually doesn't fly as well in a meeting scenario. i also found this today which I wanted to share because hellooooo relevant to my life http://www.fastcompany.com/3034895/strong-female-lead/the-one-word-men-never-see-in-their-performance-reviews
Interesting article. If a direct boss "totally disagreed" with her boss, you may face more contradictions in the future. Try and be warm, competent, and consistent towards everyone and let your record of achievements be your witness. It is better to ruminate, if that is your tendency, than rush into statements. But questions can always give you more information and asking them might show that you're engaged - good luck!