I woke up at 4am a couple months ago with the worst pain I have ever felt in my stomach. Unbearable pain. Right below my ribs. Actually I woke up annoyed and frustrated and sweaty and tangled in sheets and out of a dream about Tyrion Lannister fucking me with a ridiculous cock 5 times as big as his body and it "puncturing my ribs" and thinking. "this is hysterical...this must be where that saying comes from." I stood up to get water and wash my face and then I noticed the pain.

My roommate had fallen asleep in bed with me (it's not that unusual or weird or sexual as you might imagine) and I stumbled to the bathroom. I could do nothing. I could not think. I could not move. I could not see. I was blinded by this pain. I tried to find a position that was better, but I couldn't. I remember throwing up a couple times and thinking it might be food poisoning. But I hadn't eaten anything besides Velveeta Mac n Cheese with chicken and my roommate had had the same thing.

He woke up and noticed I was gone and found me in the fetal position in the bathroom "as white as a ghost". He couldn't even get my phone passcode out of me to call my mom. I literally couldn't even connect my brain to my mouth enough to say the words "1 2 3 4".

I finally unlocked it with my thumb and he called my mom and asked if anything had ever happened like this. It hasn't. I don't do doctors, beyond my yearly physical. I get a cold once or twice a year. I got 4 stitches in my chin once at an urgent care after my dad butterflied them 3 separate times without success. I got to urgent care a full day after I split my chin open.

My mom wasn't too concerned - initially. She came and picked me up and immediately changed her perspective. I had been naked up until this point and my roommate and forced me into a sweatshirt which was a bad idea because I was dry heaving and my temperature was fluctuating. He had pushed my phone and my bathmat and a shirt in my hand. So now I'm being half carried down the front steps with a oversized hoodie, dry heaving into a bathmat, holding a shirt, in gym shorts, with my eyes closed, white as a ghost.

My mom took me to the hospital up the street. She raced up to valet and I basically fell out the car. One of the guys went to get a wheelchair but I saw the grass and wanted it so badly. It looked so cool and fresh and happy. I looked at him and just shook my head and pressed my face against the grass. If my mom hadn't trusted the information my roommate had given me, she would've 100% assumed I was on some powerful drugs. I wasn't.

The next 12 hours were a complete blur. I remember them touching me. I remember the uncomfortable wheel chair. They took blood and tried to get urine but I couldn't stand up or hold the cup. They took 6 or 7 vials of blood even though I told her not to do more than 4 or else I pass out (I'm only 100lbs). I remember them giving me anti-nausea shot and warning me the side effects were "extreme drowsiness, dizziness, vertigo" and thinking that was ridiculous. I fell in and out of sleep waiting. I still couldn't speak or think or anything. The pain was too great.

When I finally got a bed, they asked me 1000 times if I could be pregnant. Then they filled me up with morphine and the pain went away. I was still disconnected as far as my mind / body / soul. I remember one of my mom's friends, who is a nurse at the hospital, stopping by and I remember attempting to act natural and be polite. I remember asking her about her son and soccer. I remember falling asleep mid conversation. I would wake up whenever the pain got to great and she would snap her fingers and more morphine would arrive.

I remember it getting late. I texted my roommate a couple times and my boss. They were all complete gibberish and no matter what I did I couldn't line my fingers up to the keypad. My roommate was laughing at me and asking me to save him some drugs. My mouth was disgusting but they wouldn't give me water. I asked for a toothbrush instead. They didn't have toothbrushes. I regretted not bringing my backpack which has everything I could ever need - hand sanitizer, lotion, toothbrush, phone charger.

They did two MRIs and two ultrasounds over 12 hours and nothing showed anywhere. The blood tests were all normal except for my slightly-off thyroid. My thyroids been slightly off since my blood draw in 2004. The nurse in the MRI room was amazing. She told me that the iodine they shoot in me makes me hot. I told her that temperature fluctuations usually result in vomit. She held my hand and stroked my head and make sure I was okay before the machine started yelling at me. I remember it being the most unsettling feeling ever. It wasn't hot, it was like I could feel my blood moving through me. I remember in one of the ultrasounds I asked the nurse if it was a boy or a girl. My mom found this absolutely hysterical. The nurse seemed confused and not amused. I thought I was clever.

Eventually I asked them to stop giving me morphine because I was sick of not being able to think. They gave me something else for a bit. The specialists came and went and nothing could be found. Eventually my mom requested to sign me out and I went home. They gave me norcos, which I occasionally do recreationally, and I tried to figure out a way to tell my mother than my stomach gets upset if I don't take them with food without convincing her I was a drug addict. I slept about 12 hours and woke up severely weakened but not in terrible pain.

I went to work around 3pm and stayed until 7, when I realized I was hungry. I slept for a bit at my parents after a light meal and then went home and found my roommate asleep in his bed. I slept with him all night and let him rub my head and tell me how worried he was. Then I woke up and went to the gym and went to work and that was that. I didn't eat too heavily for a while - not like I ever eat heavy meals. We never figured out what it was.