So I've been in a good relationship for twelve years now. Before that I was in a bad one for four and a half. Doesn't make me an expert, but it does entitle me to an opinion.

I was on the UW campus while Gottman & Co were building their Love Shack. They were in the news a lot. To their credit, they downplayed any attempts to paint their research as revolutionary, instead emphasizing that their observations and measurements were pretty well in line with common sense. They further tended to remind reporters that warning signs are easy to spot by laypeople, but that those driven by pheromones and animal attraction tended to ignore them.

The "bid/call" thing, for example, is far simpler than the article would have you believe. "Hi, I'm over here and would like to interact with you" is pretty easy to answer with "I wish to interact with you" if it's true. If it's false, the relationship is doomed. That's something the article doesn't get into because it doesn't fit into the handy-dandy "ten ways to save your relationship" buzzfeed format that is now infecting even the Atlantic: Gottman's findings are useless at saving a relationship but are excellent at predicting a relationship.

You can read between the lines: partners who click are relaxed around each other. You can't force yourself to relax around someone else and have it stick - the whole point of a relationship is to be with someone who puts you at ease. You can't force yourself to be interested in what someone else has to say. You can't force yourself to give a shit about someone you don't give a shit about.

Your new "casual date" is working his way up to that. He's doing nice stuff for you because he wants to do nice stuff for you. You're doing nice stuff for him because you want to do nice stuff for him. You're both astonished at each others' gratitude because you are still fresh and new enough that you aren't taking each other for granted yet.

here's where it gets interesting

Should the relationship continue, one of two things will happen:

1) You will continue to do nice things for each other, but no longer be astonished at the gratitude

2) You will cease to do nice things for each other

Gottman's work basically points out that option (1) is what makes relationships work long-term.

And that's where my "opinion" comes in. My wife and I almost never fight. When we do it's over little misunderstandings and we both work hard to get back to center. It's abundantly clear in the way we both comport ourselves that we're both uncomfortable and that we want to return to harmony. The Girlfriend From Hell, on the other hand, fought constantly. For the longest time I thought I needed to preserve my autonomy - not necessarily "win" but at least make my arguments heard. Four years into the relationship I realized my girlfriend was solely interested in scorched-earth debasement. She didn't just need to be right, she needed me to be wrong, injured and groveling. And yeah - you can stick with that if the sex is good enough. But you'll never be happy.

So as far as relationships go, I'm always nice because I'm always with a nice person. It isn't a choice. It isn't something I work at. It isn't even a consideration. It just is. With a good relationship, it can't help but be that way.