Huh. I was hanging out with a friend last night and we were mutually complaining about people who are too nice all of the time. Her and I can be very dry and sarcastic people, which might come across as less than nice at times, so a person who is constantly cheery or nice and polite isn't somebody that we always want to be around. I'm nice if I'm around people I'm not very comfortable with, friends when I feel like it, and whenever it's beneficial to be nice. I agree with you saying that it's most valuable when it's the most difficult. The times when you want to be a complete jerk to someone but end up being nice really shape their perception of you for the better, and help to iron out whatever issues are there. Being nice and kind is almost always valuable. My roommates and friends and I do some less than nice things on occasion, but in the end there is comfort in knowing that the kindness and niceness is always there when it's needed. tng just brought this up and it's a good point, I pay a lot of attention to how people treat their waiters/waitresses, bartenders, etc when I'm out with friends or on a date. As for love, I have no idea what I think about that anymore and I've had a couple mini-internal-breakdowns trying to figure that out lately.
"Nice" is the wrong way to put it. The article is a sensationalist distillation of several decades' worth of fundamental work - what the Gottman Institute has confirmed (not discovered) is that empathy matters. People who are "always nice" around sourpusses aren't actually being "nice" they're being "cheerful." A cheerful person surrounded by cranky people isn't empathetic, they're tone-deaf. They will rub you the wrong way. An empathetic person, on the other hand, assesses that everyone else in the room isn't in the same headspace and will work to improve their local area in as low-impact a manner as possible.
That's a good point, empathy is definitely a better way to describe it. One of the new co-ops here fits what you're saying perfectly. Completely tone-deaf, all of the time and not always behaving in proper manners for an engineering workplace.
The good news is there is a map. Unfortunately, as you get older, your eyesight gets worse and you have more and more trouble seeing the map. It doesn't matter, though, because the map is in another language and – like driving in Europe - the map has no relation to the territory. Luckily, from time to time, there is a rest stop with a REALLY BIG MAP. Look on the map. If it says, "You are here" then you are probably in love.As for love, I have no idea what I think about that anymore and I've had a couple mini-internal-breakdowns trying to figure that out lately.
When I realized that I couldn't trust anything that I thought I knew about love, I was in a better position to actually start loving. Not that I have a clue even now. I still like what I said here when someone asked me how do you know you're really in love:The bad news is love is a vast territory.
I always knew why a relationship couldn't last by the end of the first date. When I started dating my wife I hadn't a clue why we would part. I don't pretend to have any advice on love, I pretty much just fell into it. I know that my wife and I rarely fight, so many other couples I know fight all the time. My wife and I discuss things outside our life all the time like politics, science, art, music and any other thing that might catch our fancy. We enjoy (take joy in) each others differing perspectives. Since the baby we talk way too much about the kid but I think that is probably normal. I actually want to know how her day at work has been. There are more stresses than ever in our relationship (a kid being the biggest one) but I feel no fear that the woman I've chosen to spend my life with will turn away from me and I could never imagine wanting to be with anyone but her. I think that as you get older you are more likely to see things as they are instead of what you might hope they could be. Harder to fall in love but more like to find one that's true but like I said I have no advice on love.
I loved that lil. As a fan of maps and what you're saying that was pretty great. I just have a lot of issues right now about love and what I'm looking for in a person. I have this idealistic version of a person I'd love to be with but don't know anybody that's even close to fitting that bill. I'm not really looking for a relationship or for love at this moment, but if a person like what I want were to come around that would definitely change. Maybe I'll be surprised sometime. Now's not that time though.