- When you perceive a problem your perception becomes the problem. What I learn as well from being a feminist killjoy is how noticing a pattern in how things tend to fall is understood as making your own life more difficult than it needs to be. I have heard this sentiment expressed as kindness: just stop noticing exclusions and your burden will be eased. It is implied that by not struggling against something you will be rewarded by an increasing proximity to that thing. You might be included if only you just stop talking about exclusions! This is why the feminist killjoy remains such a negative stereotype (we affirm her given this negation): as if feminists are speaking out because they are miserable; or if feminism is an obstacle to our own happiness, such that she is what is in the way (feminism: how women get in the way of ourselves). It is implied that you would become well-adjusted if you could just adjust yourself to this world. Smile! The task then becomes self-modification: you have to learn not to perceive a problem; you have to let things fall.
The process I follow for this was taken from an anthropologist criticizing his field's inability to reflect on their own perceptions and biases when "observing" other cultures. When you make observation involving a suspicious/strange/ironic/troubling/etc. element of a situation, the next step is to attempt an analysis of your known biases and influences. Try to identify how they affect the manner in which you express the observation. I think this area is the true value of conversation/discussion/debate. You then take your observation, on which you genuinely attempted a self reflection to purge biases and succeeded somewhat, and express it to those with differing perceptions to test the extent of validity. The end result should be between a focused and refined expression of an observation that is difficult to refute or yeah that is a peculiar coincidence.
It's a phenomenon known in the technical sense as stability. The wikipedia page is for stability theory, but if you're not familiar with differential equations, the wiki isn't very helpful. Essentially, what stability theory says is that a system is stable if when it's perturbed just a little bit, the perturbation tends to decay with time. Or the corollary, a system is unstable if small perturbations tend to grown with time. The interesting part is that this physical theory applies to society (although some might argue that saying that is a bit tautological). Social change is not possible with just a few people perturbing the system; a critical amount of energy is needed to reach a new stability, just like in physics.