My three year old daughter heard a song about Santa the other day- it got to a verse about "Santa comes down the chimney yadda yadda yadda" and my daughter goes "That's silly- Santa can't fit down a chimney." I couldn't for the life of me bring myself to say otherwise. Fucking chimney. Who thought up this shit?
Washington Irving.and as of yore, in the better days of man, the deities were wont to visit him on earth and bless his rural habitations, so we are told, in the sylvan days of New Amsterdam, the good St. Nicholas would often make his appearance in his beloved city, of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the treetops, or over the roofs of houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent presents from his breeches pockets, and dropping them down the chimneys of his favorites. Whereas, in these degenerate days of iron and brass he never shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits us, save one night in the year; when he rattles down the chimneys of the descendants of the patriarchs, confining his presents merely to the children, in token of the degeneracy of the parents.
So not only did he give us the chimney nonsense, but he had to make Christmas a "fall from grace" thing, too. Buzzkill. "Well, Hazel, you see, it might seem silly that Santa comes down the chimney, but it makes total sense. For one, he's a demigod, with all the magical power that entails. So there's that. Moreover, daddy's a filthy sinner, so... you know. Chimney. Makes sense." Nope, not gonna do it. We don't even have a goddamn chimney. Santa's walking through the door this year.
That's nothing. Clarke Clement Moore wrote 'Twas the night before Christmas' on commission for the NYPD because they were sick of all the immigrants rioting and looting and getting into fights and wanted some psyops to flip Christmas from "drunken debauchery a la Mardi Gras" to "family-friendly God-fearing event." I'll likely post this again after Thanksgiving, but have a head start - the single best program The History Channel has ever run.