I think I've written about this before, but last year I heard about the death of a guy I had been a few years ahead of in high school and so of course I checked out his page, only to find that it had become a shrine of sorts. All kinds of people had come out of the woodwork to post things that they likely would not have said to the guy's face (in a good way). I also noticed that people were creating a kind of (with all due respect) circlejerk of grief that stretched beyond what I think is a healthy grieving period. In fact, I think that having his page up probably made it harder to deal with his death in a similar way that breaking up with someone can be harder if you're friends on facebook. I do wonder what effect this kind of thing will have on people over time and no doubt there is some anthropologist looking into this at this very moment, but in a time of increasing digitization I wonder if in some ways it's becoming harder to die, or at least harder to pass out of the minds of the living.
Yeah, but what do you do as the parents/spouse/children? Go through the trouble of contacting Facebook and taking it down? That seems to prolong the agony, as it were.I also noticed that people were creating a kind of (with all due respect) circlejerk of grief that stretched beyond what I think is a healthy grieving period. In fact, I think that having his page up probably made it harder to deal with his death in a similar way that breaking up with someone can be harder if you're friends on facebook.
Prolong? I don't know, since I've never done it, but I imagine that sending a copy of the obituary as proof might be enough. I mean, compared to leaving it up indefinitely, it seems like contacting facebook could help forego continued agony. I don't know if you've ever had to be the bearer of bad news, but as you might imagine, it really sucks to tell people that someone has died but after a while (in my experience) one comes up with kind of a template to go about telling people what happened. Unfortunately, it's just one of those things that people have to do when someone dies. In the situation I'm talking about, it's still up and people are still posting to it. This happened sometime in the summer of 2012, to put it into some context. To me, it seems like just knowing that I could visit a facebook page instead of having to get up and go to a grave to sit and remember a person and maybe chat with the headstone/marker seems like a very real kind of temptation that I don't care to indulge myself in. Of course, I'm speaking as a person where part of my cultural funerary tradition involves visiting the graves of those near and dear on the anniversary of their death, cleaning the gravesite and spending the day with others who have come to pay respects.
I meant that in two ways. One, I've heard secondhand that it's a pain to get Facebook to take an account down, probably to avoid pranks. Two, it's almost like ... could it be that deleting their facebook sort of causes your loved one to die all over again? Sort of a trigger for renewed grief. I could see that. It's interesting that you draw that parallel of "visiting the grave" virtually. On the flip side, maybe it's cathartic for people who live too far from the grave to mourn in person. Or maybe it's like when a loved celebrity dies and flowers and memorials begin to appear at their doorstep; adds a communal aspect to grief. Might help. I have no experience with that and I'm not particularly empathetic so this is just conjecture.Prolong? I don't know, since I've never done it, but I imagine that sending a copy of the obituary as proof might be enough. I mean, compared to leaving it up indefinitely, it seems like contacting facebook could help forego continued agony.
In the situation I'm talking about, it's still up and people are still posting to it. This happened sometime in the summer of 2012, to put it into some context. To me, it seems like just knowing that I could visit a facebook page instead of having to get up and go to a grave to sit and remember a person and maybe chat with the headstone/marker seems like a very real kind of temptation that I don't care to indulge myself in.
Right, that's why I said that a copy or link to an obituary should be sufficient to get them to take a page down. I get what you're saying, but in a way, I see the continuation of a page as something of a ghost, you know? I get what you're saying about virtual visitation and the aspect of community, but then again, that's a huge step. Physical graves add barriers of distance as well as physical decomposition to the continued existence of people. I'd kind of like to get an anthropological perspective on this, if theadvancedapes wouldn't mind. With celebrity, it's kinds of known that their public persona is fair game for that kind of legacy, but for people that are not celebrities, is this kind of continuation healthy or even warranted? Not to sound cold, but celebrity is larger than the person that inhabits it and their myth or story is what is being mourned rather than the actual person, is it not? I don't think that being less empathetic necessarily a bad thing as it takes all kinds. I will say though, that a little empathy goes a long way, especially professionally. Expectations are brutal. People want ruthlessness and empathy without really considering the kind of strength of will that it takes for either of those things. People love to reduce people to caricatures all the time. I mean, to some I'm a cold-hearted bastard and to others, I'm the cuddliest guy ever and neither one of those groups tends to see or look for the other side. Perception is a fantastic tool, but we should always be aware of how we're being perceived, if only to manage expectations. Also, check this out. Edited multiple times for drunkenessI meant that in two ways. One, I've heard secondhand that it's a pain to get Facebook to take an account down, probably to avoid pranks.