Prost :) Y'all, I'm doing really damn well these days. I finally made the decision to stop stressing about my degree and just use my studies as an excuse to keep my visa (and cheap rent), which is really just what I was doing in the first place, except that now I'm being conscious about it in a way that takes a huge amount of stress out of my life. These days I'm free to focus on the things I care about: my half-time job and a few interesting courses each semester, but also reading for pleasure, playing in a 7-piece funk band (!) and a baseball team, and being an active part in the incredible community in my dorm. (And lots of foosball.) After years of stressing about relationships and loneliness and sex, I finally feel like I'm at a point where I can just kind of relax. I really like being single, so if nothing happens, nothing happens, but I can also enjoy (purely hypothetically, of course) going on a first date with an incredibly cute Swedish girl on a Wednesday evening and walking her to class Thursday morning. It's nice. I've even gotten to the point of moving therapy to once a month instead of once a week—my therapist and I put in the work and said fuck depression. Oh, and term break starts today, so expect to see me back on here a bit more ;)
New plan: - Withdraw from my university in the US - Finish my bachelor here in Germany (3-4 semesters) - Master's here in English (or European Literatures) - Doctorate here in English - English professor somewhere in the German-speaking world, with focus on theatre from a literary/historical perspective I haven't 100% processed this? But I withdrew my remaining credit balance from the American uni, and I've worked out finances for the next 2 years at least. I think I'm pretty excited, guys. ---- New favorite idiom: das Leben ist kein Ponyhof (pronounced in Baden "s Läbe isch kei Ponyhof") Life isn't a pony farm :)
Name: galen Location: Freiburg, Germany Age: almost 20! Current preoccupation: defeating social anxiety, learning guitar, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Having fun along the way :) Previous preoccupations: achieving near-native proficiency in German, writing plays and poetry, learning to live with depression, learning how to play foosball like a German.
I think, sometimes, the things that make life worth it aren't relationships, or religion, or some kind of higher moral calling, but just those tiny, almost imperceptible moments of random human connection, even with strangers. -- I was just coming home from work, standing in the tram, and I started idly tapping on my legs, just kind of practicing drums without even realizing. At some point I started playing along to McCoy Tyner's Passion Dance in my head, and I got to a part of the groove that I really struggle with, and ended up playing it over and over, trying to get it right. Suddenly in the middle of this, something caught my awareness. I looked up and to my right, and saw a probably 10 year old boy sitting next to me, intently watching me practice. He saw me seeing him, and looked away shyly; but once I also looked away, he started very, very quietly, but very distinctly—at least for me—to beatbox. I half-smiled uncontrollably. The tram stopped, he walked past me, and he got off, but for a minute there, it felt like we had our own secret club, that only we knew about, where only drummers were allowed. I hope he went home and started practicing. I know I'm going to.
I barely slept. In 10 hours I'll be at JFK; in 22 Berlin. Wish me luck!
I don't really know what I'm doing and mental health is hard to talk about but sometimes it's good so hi I've been back in Freiburg for 4 days and I'm doing really really poorly, I'm incredibly homesick all the time, depressed and anxious, can't get any work done and can't sleep. (And the stress nausea! Oh, the stress nausea!) I cried every day since the day before I left home because I just didn't wanna go and now I just wanna go back. Did some calculations and I'll probably have to stay here for 3 more semesters after this one's done just to finish my BA, which sounds like an unimaginable, unbearable length of time to be so far from home. And between work and school here, if I stay, I'll only be home around 2 weeks a year. Questioning if it's even worth it considering that I have no idea what I would do with my BA (and I'm 19!!) Today's been better, I guess. Got an extension on a presentation I was stressing about, finally got a fair amount of uni work done, even though I haven't left my apartment since yesterday. Plans with a friend this evening. And I made a doctor's appointment for next week so I can ask for a referral to a therapist and a psychiatrist. But for now it's just really fucking hard, you guys. Well wishes/prayers/whatever you believe in appreciated.
Oh man, the schnitzel was so good. Currently eating dining hall schnitzel and thinking of better days ;) Although I got lost for 2 hours after dinner with veen (phone was dead so no maps), it was totally worth it! The conversation, I mean. Also the schnitzel.
Life's good, Hubski. My daily routine for summer break: Wake up, play CS or read something for the uni Make lunch & head into work Read emails, fix problems if there are any Duolingo Spanish for a bit Work on my paper Chill & watch Netflix 4pm drink coffee with my coworker Go back and clean up the office a little Right now I'm watching Planet Earth again (thanks nowaypablo), although I should be working on my paper. But I've got time. Other than that, finally got everything worked out with university admission. Cliches aside, Jesus Christ, German bureaucracy is exhausting. Luckily pretty much everyone along the way was helpful (and mostly nice), so I guess it could be worse. Also continuing to get weirdly good at foosball, since there's a table in our dorm's bar. My roommates and I might buy our own so we can play when the bar goes back to only being open Tu/Thu (during the semester).
On July 9, it'll be 5 years :) Incredible how long the community here has been a constant in my life. Feels like I became an adult on Hubski. So grateful, and so proud, to know all of you. Hopefully we can get some more #meetups going in the next 5 years!Note galen who first graced these pages at 12 or 13 is now almost 20.
Marnin. Vacation this week. Spring break, except summer. Using the time to read Peter Brook's The Empty Room (essays about theater from the director of the RSC) and to finally get through 100 Years of Solitude. Wheels are in motion to explore transferring here permanently. Had this conversation: "Yeah, I have no desire to go back, but it's only one year, and then I have my bachelor." "...it's still a year of your life. And you can get a bachelor here. If you really have no desire at all to go back..." And it's cheaper to live and to study here. And I'm getting a better education. And I can count a good number of my previous courses as transfer credit. And for a degree in German lit, 3 years at a top American university and 1 or 2 at a top German doesn't look too shabby. And even if it lasts a little longer, I'm fucking 19 and I'm enjoying myself. So that's what's up.
I'm very sorry to hear about your annoyance. I'll be sure to tell my black music teacher to just stop mentioning it when she's stopped by the police, who are--in spite of the lack of any justification--just making sure she owns her car, fucking monthly. I'll be sure to tell the 406 victims identified by an AP investigation as having lost 24,000 acres of land valued at tens of millions of dollars to just stop agitating for any kind of reparations now that I know a non-American is annoyed by it. I'll definitely tell the one in three American black men who are incarcerated at some point in their lifetime that it's all their fault, that it has nothing to do with institutional racism, with our history of--and the reemergence of--segregation, with the systematic disenfranchisement and theft of property weighing upon the black American population thanks to years of white antagonism. They can just shut up, because they're annoying the non-Americans. E: The point is not that it's impossible for black Americans to succeed through "hard work and determination" and whatever other bullshit white people think goes into our success. That's an absurd strawman constructed primarily by racists. The point is that fighting to success is substantially more difficult and (N.B.) sometimes impossible for black Americans thanks to circumstances imposed by white Americans.
I finally got my driver's license! Only had to take the test 3 times. But now I won't be stuck at home bored for the next two weeks, thank god. Wow, next two weeks. Only 14 days and then I'm flying to Berlin! I'm so excited and getting kind of nervous. Especially since I'll be totally on my own for the first week and a half that I'm in Germany. We'll see how that goes, I guess! Mostly just really really excited though. Antidepressants continue to be decent, I guess. It's hard to tell if my floor is actually higher or if I just haven't had a really bad day yet, since even off meds it comes and goes. Hopefully the former. Oh, and happy valentines day! How are you guys?
Writing a screenplay! Musician gets fired from restaurant job, takes the opportunity to pursue music full time, starts neglecting his girlfriend. Cue breakup, then he writes a breakup album-- the best he's ever recorded. He learns to survive alone. It's kind of a Künstlerroman. Sitting right at 18 pages right now, but I have quite a bit still to write. And this is just the first draft.
Been a while, ne? German Uni is the best thing that's ever happened to me. My classes (Theater of the Neo-Avantgarde; The Poet Heinrich Heine) are fantastic. The only bullshit part is that I have to take two classes (Advanced Language & Comp; Travel Theory) with only other Americans, but gradually we're getting to the point where I just spend the class discussing texts with my prof while the others watch. I like my prof, so it works. The new plan is to buckle down and finish my degree next year, which is only 6 months(!) anyway. After that, grad school (or possibly theatre school) in Germany and never coming back to the US. I tried to join an English-speaking theatre group here but after about 10 minutes I realized that I have absolutely no desire to speak English anymore and left. Yesterday I asked out my German tutor, who replied that it would literally be illegal for us to go out-- even though we're both juniors, she's technically employed by the University as my "teacher." Also she said she has no feelings, but based on the 7 times in the past month that I thought "damn we almost just kissed," I'm guessing she's just trying to make it easier to move on. Not that it makes a difference, since, y'know, law-breaking. BUT! My depression has always been founded on a deep-seated feeling of isolation, and therefore has always been heavily triggered by break-ups, ending romantic interests, ending friendships, and the like. Having finally recognized this, I took extra antidepressants yesterday (don't worry, still in the range that my doc recommended), and today I'm actually doing fine. I mean, I'm disappointed, but I was out of bed after 10 hours of sleep, played CS:GO, edited an essay, and am off to my first German baseball practice(!) in half an hour. I feel like now I can focus on just building a life that I enjoy for myself, and if someone else shows up in it later, that's chill. Hope you all are doing well; sorry I've been absent and I miss you guys (hi kleinbl00 lil nowaypablo _refugee_ Cumol thenewgreen Quatrarius elizabeth and anyone else I'm forgetting), but realistically speaking don't expect it to get much better-- my love for Germany is all-consuming :) xo g
I don't know why I haven't told you all this yet, but I have a radio show now! It's fun as fuck. I've already heard from people on campus that listen every week :)
Ooh I like this gameThe years coincide with the infancy of the iPhone, but also with the introduction of Amazon's Kindle
The years coincide with the introduction of Amazon's Kindle, but also with Barack Obama's election and first 2 years in office
The years coincide with Barack Obama's election and first 2 years in office, but also with the 2007-2011 Belgian political crisis.
The years coincide with with the 2007-2011 Belgian political crisis, but also with the composition and release of Susan Collins' Hunger Games trilogy.
We made plans today to put my dog down. She's dying anyway, and leaving her alone while we go on a 2-week drive to 2 colleges (mine and my sister's) would probably have meant that she would pass while we were gone. It's better this way, but still. Fuck.
Back to work back to work. First time I've been up at 8am in a few months. Excited to get cooking again. Remember that time almost two years ago my friend tried to set me up with her friend and we got along really well but I left for college and it fizzled? We randomly reconnected and we've been talking, like, most days. Taking her to dinner at some point before I leave. Not sure if that'll go anywhere, probably depends on what happens this summer. She's going to Texas Tech next year. Finally starting to sleep easier. Still occasionally waking up in the middle of the night, but it doesn't take hours to fall asleep anymore. I probably just needed to come down from the stress of the semester.
I move in to college FUCKING TOMORROW! I'm typing this from the Target where we (my dad and I) just finished last-minute dorm shopping. (We're waiting for my mom and sister to finish.) I am so pumped holy shit.
So as I think I've mentioned, I'm in this show right now that I've been incredibly busy with, it's taking over my life, etc., etc. But this senior saw me in it and thought I was really good and offered me the lead role in his honors thesis?! So now I'm starring in a staged reading of a musical about education policy! We had the first cold read yesterday and I'm SUPER EXCITED.
Worth noting that the Arab Spring, initially hailed as a collection of successful violent revolutions, ultimately resulted in: - The installation of a revolutionary government in 1 country (Tunisia) - The installation of a unity government in 1 country (Yemen) - Minor constitutional changes in 2 countries (Morocco & Jordan) - The replacement of one dictator with a new dictator (Egypt) - Civil war with no end in sight and the rise of one of the most powerful terror groups in recent history (Syria)I don't see violent revolutions playing out well in modern times.
The troll hates the new moderation tools. I am shocked.
galen's love life since November 2015: a timeline. Nov 10 2015: Matched with an attractive lady on Tinder who seems pretty cool. Messaged. Nov 11: Hm, no message back. Nov 14: Hrm, still no reply. Nov 15: I give up. Nov 29: Fuckit, send another message. Nov 29, later: She replies! She meant to reply earlier but forgot! Conversation ensues, and lasts 3 hours. Woo! Nov 30: We exchange numbers. Further conversation, but intermittent: she's out of country and cell service is scarce. Dec 1: She's back stateside! We text for 5 hours. Dec 2, afternoon: We text even more. And yeah, some "<3" ing happens. Dec 2, early evening: On her Tumblr, I stumble upon a post about being asexual. Whaaaaaat Dec 2, late evening: Lots of researching asexuality, thinking. Talk to a few friends. Eventually reach the conclusion that not only am I okay with a relationship that's romantic but nonsexual, but I actually wasn't interested in a sexual relationship with her in the first place. I just sort of felt like I should have been. Dec 3, midnight: I call her. (Sidenote: ugh I love her voice.) We talk about nothing for a little, and I bring up the asexuality thing. Everything goes smoothly; she's glad that I brought it up and am ok with it. Eventually we both have to sleep. Dec 3, afternoon: I make a dumb joke and she gets pretend annoyed. I don't realize she was joking too and get a little freaked out. Dec 3, evening: I bring up this weird tension I'm feeling; she explains that she was also joking. We talk on the phone, and just hearing her voice, everything feels better. She is also 16, but a high school senior. She is an incredible musician and speaks French. She wants to be a professor someday maybe. She uses words like "radtastic" and "swagnanimous." And she is beautiful. She is from VT and goes to boarding school near Albany (2ish hours from Colgate), and isn't planning on going to school anywhere that's closer than that. So that pretty well sucks. But we can worry about whether doing long distance for 3-4 years or whatever is worth it later-- if that's ever even an issue. For now I just really like her. So that's what's up :)