Dated a girl. She had a sister. Sister had a roommate. Roommate bought Pepperidge Farm Frozen Texas Toast by the cartload. Freezer had eight boxes of the shit last time I checked.

...which was 1998.

Clearly, the world didn't end. The roommate was exactly the sort of person you'd expect - an overweight, underkempt math student with a real fear of flavor. They're out there. And they've been buying frozen Texas Toast for a long damn time.

Thing is, there was no clamoring for frozen Texas Toast when pepperidge farm came out with it. It was something that got created, marketed, distributed and purchased and it has remained on the shelves for fifteen years or more. It's not like anyone seeks out "texas toast" when they go shopping... but as they cruise the frozen food aisle, which is kind of the Furr's Cafeteria for Those Who Can't Cook, "Texas Toast" pops up as a starchy bread product that hasn't been deep fried. Add it to your fish sticks and it's actually "healthy" (well, not... but compared to Ore-Ida Crinklers it's a toss-up). And guaranteed - Pepperidge Farm can make Texas Toast hella cheaper than you can.

That's why they're selling it.

Everybody loves Trader Joe's. The thing nobody realizes is that Trader Joe's sells as little fresh produce as they can and as much frozen and pre-packaged shit as they can stuff the shelves with. Ask any farmer - the money isn't in the crops, the money is in the prep. Apples don't pay half as well as apple juice and apple sauce. Strawberries are nothing compared to strawberry jam. Wheat? Fuck that. Flour? Fuck that. Bread? Fuck that.

Frozen fucking texas toast. That's where the money's at. If it weren't, they wouldn't sell it. Yeah, it's disgustingly bad for you. Yeah, toast is stupid easy to make. Yeah, it's one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. I guess I'm just used to it because the first time I saw it Clinton was president. Now, you wanna see the end of the world?

Boo Yah. Frozen. Fucking. Rice.

Trader Joe's has managed to take the cheapest, easiest foodstuff on earth, prep it, and package it to quadruple the price. Before too long they'll be selling ice cubes and calling it "frozen organic spring water."