oufff this new year started as a complete mess. got drunk and my memories goes from talking and laughing with my friends to literally sobbing on the bed about my breakup with my ex consoling me. I don't even remember what triggered it. It's been 4 months since our breakup, shit... (how long does it take to move on? it's my first breakup ever so I'm not too sure what to expect)

Then my new friend drove me home and i fell asleep with my lover in my bed. I wake up and she rage quit my place to drive 5h back home, texting me about how i'm selfish and unwelcoming and ungrateful. After I hosted her for 4 days at my place with her dog and invited her along to all my new years plans, including to my parents house. A complete text freakout demanding apologies and shit for vague accusations of hurt feelings. I've known her for less than a year. Fucking flipped a switch so fast i got whiplash. It's a bit annoying, but she lives in another city and I told her it's best we take some distance. No regrets on that front, but it added on to an already rough morning. And then my lover and one of his main poly partner break up a few days later over some insecurities - that he assures me have nothing to do with me but I have some reservations.

So, i've stopped drinking. It's been 5 days now, which is more than I can remember for a loooong time. I'll aim making it to a full week and if that works out i'll do a full month. Will limit my drinking to places with amazing views on my upcoming trip to Asia. Cause I used to really have fun drinking and now I most often than not turn into a crying mess. It's no fun for either me or my friends. I need to recalibrate so it becomes enhancement and not escapism.

My energy levels and mood have been in the dumps too, without routine and structure in the dark winter months. Booked a sober weekend with friends at the cabin cooking games and playing food - hopefully that helps! I just have this itch to be creative and productive and joyful but i can't find my arms. Thank god for my loving and supportive and thoughtful friends and family. It's the best thing I have in my life right now and I won't take it for granted.