I used to be a Christian. When I say that you might not get what I mean, so let me explain.

I used to be a Christian. My friends were all Christian, I listened to Christian music, I read apologetics, and even at one point planned to join JPUSA ( http://jpusa.org/ ). I did not understand how other people were not Christian. I could not wrap my head around the idea that other people had opinions that were different than mine. I lived with a group of Christians who I considered my friends. I tried very hard to do what God had intended according to leaders of churches and interpretations of the bible.

I had attached myself to this idea. I had made it my identity. I was a Christian.

Then one day I was driving my car, and I had felt full of emotion and pain for things I could not explain.

I pulled over and just cried. I cried because I realized how selfish and stupid I was. How arrogant I was. How much of a hypocrite I was. I cried because of the guilt that I imposed on myself. I cried because I finally didn't have to feel that same guilt anymore.

I just suddenly realized that I no longer believed in God. It's weird, there was a physical feeling of the world turning underneath my feet. It's so vivid in my mind. I can remember the smell of the car seat being slightly musty and wet. I remember that it was the morning and the sun was pulling itself up behind the houses. I don't remember why I was where I was, but I can remember being there.

I just sat there for hours and cried and cried. It was like a self immolation but in reverse. My emotions and brain and self, were tearing me down.

I look back on that memory of pain very fondly now. Knowing that it was both very hard and very necessary for my growth as a person. I can always look back at that and use it to help me get through difficult times. While I never regret being a Christian, I sometimes do think about what I could have been without Christianity, I could have left so much guilt.

Thank you for asking this question beezneez I had to end the day on kind of a lousy note and reminding me of this time has helped me to gain some perspective.