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Ironman - it is so important what you are saying here. When we take responsibility for our part, we are able to grow into better people. When we just blame, we lose that chance.

    Like how bad I actually am compared to what I think about myself.
That is particularly hard to see, because in any story, we want to cast ourselves as the hero in some way.
    And Im seriously doubting if I should ever be in relationships.
Good mutually happy relationships can require a lot of work and practice. Many people find them worth the work.

I hope you find what works best for you.