Jobs

Applying to stretch and dream jobs to fulfill my internship requirements. These are the only jobs that I'm willing to go out-of-state for currently. They are BIG stretches. So big I'm not upset if I don't stick the landing, but goddamn if I do... One thing I've found is the other internships around me are so environmentally oriented. When it really comes down to the question of 'what is your interest,' I'm tired of BS'ing to further myself towards a desk I don't want.

Relationshit

I've asked the same girl out to go places 4 times in January, and flat out asked her on a date post-Valentines day. Every single time life keeps getting in the way. I keep hearing 'yes', or a possible reschedule, then life falls through: a car issue, overslept on a nap, family is in town (again), and a family emergency to boot. Roughly in that order. I'm amazed I've been so damn persistent despite all this, going off of 'yes' for a month only for circumstances to flop. I swear getting ghosted is easier so I can just moved on without thinking about "what-ifs".

My rule of 'no response is a response' has been called into question by friends and family throughout this, and I'm trusting this woman to be up front with me when her priorities are not me - rightfully fucking so, might I add. So, when I'm not sure why she hasn't re-scheduled or reached back out, I keep oscillating between "let it the fuck go" and "be patient".

A nice facebook scroll-through popped 'when the right relationship comes around, it won't be toxic like this'. This isn't toxic. This just sucks. I'm not in control of anything at all, and this sucks because I had a solid foundation to base a relationship from here. I didn't idealize her, but I damn sure knew she looked like the type of woman I'd like to be with. Pains me to think 'just keep in mind those qualities and look elsewhere' and 'maybe the timing really just isn't right'. In order to move forward, I'd really have to believe being persistent ISN'T the right move.

Thanks for listening to me rant in your head.

What can be learned?

1. Python. I got my fireball data project approved to work on for two courses at once. I want to leverage the final product in job interviews mentioned above.

2. When to hear 'no thank you,' (a la 'read between the lines') and when to hear 'I'm sorry life has been so busy'. I don't know if I'm there yet, but I hope to get this one under my belt through this relationshit ordeal.

3. Leaning on friends is nothing to be ashamed of. All of last semester I went out of my way to help the others in my classes. Not to network, but because I wanted to do grad school different than undergrad. After the second or third flop, I was invited out of the blue for dancing with my cohort. Was able to balance 'a good time' with venting, and was lent an air-mattress for a night over with a friend in the end. Been having movie nights after weekend labs on and off since.

[Edit] 4. Diversify your love and attention. Spread that goodness and those who appreciate it will reflect it back. That will sustain you for giving to others who don’t have the bandwidth for you. Its a gift that keeps on giving.

Grad school is shaping up.