Dear Hubski Undergrads,
On Sunday night, I'm doing a workshop with some first-year students called Communicating Nondefensively.
These students live in a residence for politically active, peace and justice students interested in world affairs. They often get into debates about racism, immigration, the middle east, etc. and the organizer told me this:
- "Our goal is to deepen and situate our individual and collective understandings of peace by coming to see that on any given issue, there are a range of complex, nuanced and deeply personal perspectives."
In other words, sometimes it is NOT in our best interest to say, #$%# off!! when we feel defensive. Here's where I need your help: Can you give me statements said by ANYONE -- your parents, professors, friends, other students, religious leaders, romantic interests, employers -- that made you feel defensive.
"Aren't you done yet?"
"You paid $200 for your running shoes? Are you insane?"
"You're always late."
"You're wrong. Where'd you get those numbers? That's bullshit."
Thanks!
Is it ok if I give an answer despite being over ten years out of school? Background is I do ok and I travel occasionally. The most recent comment from my father was "you're sure traveling a lot lately." Other comments from both my parents are things like "that must have been expensive." I expect I'll get that tomorrow when we meet for lunch. It makes me defensive. Yes, I'm traveling. Yes, plane tickets, hotels and various recent gear purchases are expensive. It's really good for me (physically and mentally) to do this, and I find their input harmful. My defense is to ignore it and talk to them less, but that isn't very productive.
Thanks Wandering -- Yes, I'd like ALL KINDS of defence-provoking statements from everyone. Could mk or thenewgreen or insomniasexx share this to get it out more widely (or is that cheating?)
Maybe not too helpful as a general case, but: "So wait, are you really 16?" Others: "Okay, and what else?" -- from teachers who nominally accept "no one right answer" but are actually looking for one "right" answer "Have you started [assignment] yet?" "What's the point?" -- re my pursuit of arts and/or humanities Will edit as I inevitably think of more.
Often, my undergrad profs would say "which is clearly trivial" when referring to a mathematical step in a derivation. Only on a handful of occasions was the math actually transparent to any sizable portion of the class. Many of us just forget what it's like to not know something.
I feel like the most infuriating statement, ironically, is, "Calm down!" I don't think anyone in the history of those words in that combination has ever calmed down. It serves only to goad.
You make a good point. You could interpret, "Why would you do that to yourself" as another way of saying "You are self-flagellating" or "What a stupid choice." Or you could hear it as "Why are you studying physics?" You could also say, "What do you mean?" or "Are you saying physics is a bad choice or are you saying you are worried about me for taking such a hard program?" In the workshop I suggest that defence-provoking statements are really poorly worded feeling statements. Like "Why would you do that to yourself?" is just a very bad way of saying "I'm worried about you." or "I'm scared of physics and sciences." or "I'm afraid you are too smart for me." In other words, the criticism is about the critic until and unless you accept it. Your examples are helpful. Thanks.
I've TAd for a course that deals with some pretty sensitive topics, such as race, sexuality, immigration etc. The most helpful thing for me has been to ensure that disagreements focus on statements rather than the people making them. Saying either of "I disagree with you" and "I disagree with the idea that..." can definitely make people defensive, but the latter tends to lead to more productive discussions about the issue than the former, in my experience.
Thank you all for your statements. I'll work them in. If you'd like to read the workshop activity booklet, pm me your email and I'll send you the pdf. blackbootz, galen, WanderingEng, Odder, War, mk, dingus, fallingsaucer
As someone who is on the track towards basic (as opposed to applied) scientific research, "Why would you want to know that?" Any no true Scotsman arguments Unwarranted cynicism of scientists as people and the theories they work on