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comment by _refugee_
_refugee_  ·  3602 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Thenewgreen rounds up his friends in one big circle and says,

There's a lot to be said for being single. It provides an enormous amount of personal liberty and you are accountable to no one, except yourself, and maybe-kind-of-sort-of your roommates if you have them, or your parents from the distance of a phone if you've moved out. (I have moved back in though, so even if I were single now, I wouldn't have the exact kind of autonomy that I do cherish.) It also provides endless opportunities for you to prove yourself to you - when your tire goes flat and you have to change it or when you force yourself to eat by yourself in a restaurant and not feel self-conscious or at the very least feel self-conscious but accept and do not give in to the self-consciousness. All sorts of things. You learn who you really are when you are single, I think, at least some aspects of yourself that a relationship can cloud or cover up.

And casual dating can be fun too, loads of attention, no responsibility, no need to answer to anyone; you're all just having fun. (That gets tiresome, though. That can be painful, for one or both parties involved - not always you, by all means, but it's not fun to deal with someone else's hurt either, and if you're a guilty sort you can find yourself feeling that way about it.)

It is important to achieve happiness on one's own, too, or first, as you probably know. But that happiness surely doesn't negate a desire for

either.

Anti-feminism is a complete and total turn-off for me. I totally get you there. Don't bother with that dude.

You seem to have an idea that dating right now wouldn't be a good idea for you, maybe due to the limited pool, and/or also because you don't think you'd like how you'd act. Well, truth: I don't like how I act in romantic relationships. That doesn't mean I get all bitchy and mean or anything, in fact often the opposite: it is not easy for me to admit I care and I often get frustrated when my caring for another person causes me to act in a way that doesn't align with my underlying wants/desires. Compromise, right, you know?

When you date, if you still worry you might become hung up over a guy's approval in lieu of your own sensibilities, just monitor yourself. Watch your own behavior and assess if, and how, it changes. Keep an eye out for the kind of behavior you don't want, but remember too that relationships do require give and take and that if you work too hard to avoid what you fear (puppy-begging for approval) you may overreact and instead seem cold, hard, indifferent, etc, and that will impact your relationships negatively too. The solution in the long term is not to avoid relationships but to learn how to navigate them, and yourself, successfully. If you don't like how a relationship begins to impact you, save the you that you value, leave, and do your best to move on. It isn't always easy of course. Emotions make people want to stay. It hurts to leave.

That being said I think it's a wiser person who opts consciously not to date due to verbalized reasons than one who either jumps into dating in youth because of Disney movies and romances, or who avoids it out of fear or the idea that one is undesirable, etc. You are young and you have plenty of time and no, there's no need to get started dating now if you think it's unwise. If you really do think it would derail you from your priorities it's even kind of smart - but sometime you're going to have to let go a little bit :)

As for engagements - oh honey. OH, honey. Five of my ex-boyfriends are married. 4 to the next girl they dated after me. I am the female good luck Chuck, haha.

It is interesting to observe but I know it's not what I want right now. Mostly I get a kick out of all the weddings I'm not invited to.

15's way too young in my opinion - but then again, I'm 25 and don't feel quite old enough for it either :)





swedishbadgergirl  ·  3601 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I think 15 is an okay age - certainly an age were you can comfortably say that things under that are rape even if the girl said yes because dude - she's fourteen.

I have had terrible dating luck. My last "boyfriend" was when I was 11. (I actually think about that and go "Ehh... I was making out with a guy? At 11? Seriously? That's a bit..." He was twelve by the way.)

My last actual dating thing ended with me playing Fable 3 with him and he randomly pulling out his well... I didn't stop to ask what he called it but he did say "Can it come inside?". After I let out a horrified no he asked why.

Yeah.

He still tries to talk to me regularly. And tries to sit next to me on the bus.

I do want to date - but not enough to go out of my way to do it. Also due to a really touchy-feely friendship with one girl I'm pretty sure most people think I'm gay & spoken for Which doesn't really help the dating aspect.

Also I have a chronic bitch-face.

    it is not easy for me to admit I care and I often get frustrated when my caring for another person causes me to act in a way that doesn't align with my underlying wants/desires.

I feel like I could relate so much to this.

Also - if one is talking stereotypes I wear a dress but is loud and argumentative and such and I sometimes find myself holding that back when with a guy I kind of like and I really hate doing that.

Also I love that poem now.

_refugee_  ·  3601 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Ha, I have a best friend/former girlfriend and a LOT of people think we are together even though they have never known us while we were together because we spend so much time together, show up in the same places, etc. Also that's just a weird relationship in general tbh.

Uh, that guy sounds like what he showed you. That's right I said it, dick.

Unsolicited advice that is only somewhat related: if you ever find yourself worrying about whether or not to do something like tell a dude off because if you do, it'll be "mean" or "not nice" or you'll be a "frigid bitch" - fuck that asshole, fuck everyone who says you shouldn't do it because you're mean, and tell them off.

Hearing about the loud and argumentative makes me feel like you may already have an awareness of that advice though :)

Chronic bitch face! I like to call it "active bitch face" as opposed to "resting bitch face." Nah man. My bitch face is active.

It's a very great poem. I memorized it once, but I'm afraid in the long run only about half of it stuck.