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comment by lil
lil  ·  3647 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Essential Tremor by Elizabeth Metzger

The sadness of finding out that

    you are no longer the beloved.

is the most empty, helpless, and hollow of sadnesses. It's not a place one wants to visit, but writing poetry in that state of pain can deliver some haunting metaphors:

    the broken heart rolls three blank dice




bristolstreet  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

"Three blank dice"--I love that. You roll, you're hoping, and it's the only impossible result that is worse than the worst possible outcome.

    are no longer the beloved.

    I take a machete to a tulip.

    Where death is something you can fuck up

and

    the angel has a harelip

are all such dissonant, harsh lines--and I think it's partly because they end on an unstressed syllable, stopping on the "downturn."

lil  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    dissonant, harsh lines
being dumped is harsh. being loved less is harsh.
bristolstreet  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

For sure. I was talking more about how it scanned/sounded when read aloud. But composition and meaning interact, as always.

lil  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I understand what you were looking for. You got me reading for hard consonant sounds like "death" "dice" and "dumbed down."

Are you a poet?

bristolstreet  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I guess I would say I dabble. I have been published once a couple of years ago in a national YA lit mag, and I've taken a class in university, but I feel like I am much better at appreciating than creating most of the time. Are you a poet? :)

lil  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I sometimes write things for hubski under the tag #todayswritingprompt. The real poets on this site include _refugee_, humanodon, rezzeJ. thenewgreen has amazing song lyrics and even flagamuffin has impressed me over the months with a verse or two.

user-inactivated  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

EVEN LIL OL' FLAGAMUFFIN

lil  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

The capital letters suggest that you are imbibing as you finish writing up your research. I forget what your usual Saturday night drink is. You've been known to linger in Motels in states that are not Texas.

user-inactivated  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Working and quite guzzling But the state of the economy to come

Is dark scary and puzzling When I'm drunk on kahlua and rum

Come on lil - you know me well Certainly you've got it right

Would indeed be a cold day in hell Ere I was sober on a Saturday night

yeesh

_refugee_  ·  3645 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Here is my funny short low-effort poem of the day:

Challenge

  Show me a single
  literary magazine
  without a cigarette in it 
I shall shelve it for my short clever poems book along with my brunch poems.
thenewgreen  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

A cold day indeed!

This reminds me of Ogden Nash. I keep one of his poems in my pocket to use at parties and events to seem clever. Here it is:

  There is something about a martini 
  Ere the dining and dancing begin
  And to tell you the truth
  It's not the vermouth
  I think that perhaps it's the gin
Boooya!

That's right, I said "booya" after an Ogden Nash poem. There is a first time for everything.

thenewgreen  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Hey, at least you are a poet, I'm just some lyricist.

user-inactivated  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

check my most recent effort I think I may have to throw in the towel

thenewgreen  ·  3646 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Are you a poet? :)

Yes she is.

We have a pretty healthy appreciation for poetry around these parts. I have been fortunate to cultivate some nice friendships with the poets lil mentions in her response. I've actually been very fortunate to have been gifted some of humanodon's writings to use as lyrics. The most recent incarnation is here. -It's a collaborative music project on Hubski.

More creatives are MOST WELCOME here. dabble away my friend!