Gin is for people who think alcohol consumption warrants additional punishment
Wine is for assholes
Craft beer is for assholes who can't appreciate wine
Whiskey is for assholes who can't appreciate wine but want to get really fucked up
Cinnamon whiskey is for people who might drink Scope mouthwash
Vodka is for people with serious addictions. It's ideally watered down grain alcohol. Top shelf vodka is a myth as a result
MD 20/20 is for desperate winos. Also people who don't appreciate wine. Also hipsters
I can keep going but I wonder why I started in the first place