I want to strive, to fail, to get up again, to fight with all my might against the obstacles set before me, to achieve my dream in life. I want to get up early, to do the hard things others aren't willing to do, to self-actualize, to become who I was meant to be.
The problem is I don't have anything I want like that. I feel okay in my life. I have goals, I work toward them, I'm in decent shape. I love my wife and kid, and my job is pretty good. But I can't say any of these things are my overarching passion (except my son, and maybe my wife). They don't light a fire within me. I don't feel particularly alive or on fire to go to my job. I enjoy my hobbies but they don't typically make me feel transcendent. My friend group is a decent size, but very surface level and ultimately missing some kind of intimacy that I don't know how to have with male friends.
So what do I do? How do I grow if I don't have a clear direction to grow in? I have things that I want and ways to improve, but I feel like I'm not really putting myself out there. I want to aspire to greatness. I want to be daring, and to feel alive. I feel like I must be a boring person. I don't know what else do to other than continue to advance in my fairly typical 9-5 career... but when I'm on my deathbed, I doubt I'll be particularly proud and content with being a senior engineer. But how do I find what I want? How do I find my vision? How am I supposed to follow my dreams when I don't know what they are? Is something wrong with me?