This post is more of an explanation to my loving wife, regarding just what the fuck happened yesterday. I'm happy for y'all to read and comment, else I wouldn't post it here, but I find it easier to talk about stuff by text.
First, what happened: I smashed my laptop out of desperation, I felt like I was being pulled in too many directions. I know it probably looked like anger and that answer would make sense as I was getting wound up, but it honestly wasn't. When I snapped it wasn't anger it was very much depression that was fueling it. I can't explain just how helpless I felt, and when I ran upstairs to hide and scream and cry it was because I was scared.
I pushed you away because I hated myself and wanted to punch and hurt myself. I was ashamed. I ran back upstairs later because seeing a knife on the kitchen counter scared me.
I really, really hate that I exploded like that, but it was something I couldn't control. I've been really enjoying having my own computer again but I know I have been spending too long on it and neglecting everything else. So while the laptop was making me happy, I was starting to resent it and the situation that was developing.
I'm sorry for what happened over the weekend, I think the reason I lose my temper with the boys is that I expect them to do better than me, and you know one of the major reasons for my depression is that I don't meet my own expectations for myself; that doesn't excuse my behaviour but I think you can see where it comes from.
Citalopram. I think it's helping me but my prescription ran out some time ago and I had not been taking it consistently then. The opinions I've seen on reddit basically say, you really cannot miss a day as it will just mess things up, and from my experience so far I agree.
I'm not happy taking it, I don't know if it works, I guess it does but I only notice when I stop. It's tough to describe, it's like things just stop happening when I take it, somehow it is now the end of April. How long have I been taking it? I don't really know but I don't remember anything of the last half a year.
I'm wanting to try therapy, and will ask my doctor about it next week, the CBT programme helped to reinforce what I already know, but it always felt like I was dumping my problems on them and they had to try and shoehorn them back in to the programme. Like in uni, having a mentor I could talk to helped a lot and I think therapy could be a way to get that.
One if the things I have struggled with since leaving the teacher training course is my sense of identity. I'd say this is one of the main factors. I simply don't know who I am anymore, I'm not the person I want to be but I don't know what that person looks like. I feel like the biggest loser, my friends don't want anything to do with me and I have nothing I can really call my own, no hobbies, nothing.
I don't know where to go from here, I'm going to stop teacher training as I don't think it's right for me. I don't yet know what is, I think if I can focus on just caring for you, the boys, our home and our dog I would be happy.
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Thank you for reading, this is something I've been needing to get out and express. I know it's a difficult read, it's very much stream of consciousness writing and I went back and added bits in places. I hope nobody is affected by this post but if so, PLEASE talk to somebody. Google can tell you emergency helpline numbers that will always be available to listen when you need them.