After creating and deleting about five accounts here (okay, more like 15), I intend to keep this one. I will also discuss why I have been doing such strange acts, and what I intend to contribute to the site going forward.
The reason I keep deleting my accounts is many fold. If you take a look at my comment history, you'll see the following test results from a mickey mouse facebook quiz taken earlier today:
https://hubski.com/pub?id=183719
Those results are accurate in regards to my romantic relationships as well as my personal ones with friends and family, as well as my interactions with random strangers on the internet. I simply cannot be myself around anyone because I have secrets from one person that cannot be talked about with another, and vice versa. You may feel the same, but it is different for me. If you cross your streams between friends, your friend might ignore you for a week or two. If the streams were to cross in my life, I would lose pretty much all of my friends, estrange my family, risk my employment, publicly embarrass myself, and end up a hobo on the streets. There are other repercussions that I am not legally allowed to disclose as well...
So walking this tightrope act, I've been struggling to figure out in what way I could actually communicate on Hubski without destroying the fabric of my life. I have to put up walls to prevent falling off, and I usually do it quite well, it just sometimes takes time. The time is nigh! I have properly prepared my segmenting and I know what I will and will not admit.
I also have been struggling with which portion of my life would most improve the quality of the content of this site while also improving the quality of my own life. I started out with some simple identities, but they seemed overrepresented on this site and already taken care of by others. I have since, however, finally figured out which communications and experiences would best suit my interactions with this site.
So without further ado, here are the two posts I am willing to admit belong to me:
Comment about NSA Surveillance and Mental Health
Yes that's right, I'm "that crazy guy". I keep deleting my accounts because I keep getting attention and I keep posting too many comments that will identify who I am by profiling likes, dislikes, and little details about myself. I really don't like that as it makes me nervous (see above quiz). But I'm here to stay this time, and I will not delete this account. The voice of the insane community must be heard, since they are completely and utterly falling on deaf ears and dismissed as unintelligent.
You may note that I actually commented within the first post ABOUT the second comment on government surveillance I posted here ("My mental health community has a no politics rule (it frequently agitates people who are mentally ill), so I have no idea about them since they are not allowed to talk about it."). In no way was I lying, I simply did not completely tell the truth. I in fact have no idea what that community thinks about government surveillance. I do, however, have OTHER friends who have been hospitalized after 10 years of stability. How do you think the poster found the article so fast yet the person who brought up the subject couldn't find it? Because it was written by the same person! The truth can be more misleading than lies.
What I intend to do with my account is explain my insanity and my stability as well, to attempt to accurately portray the life of a "crazy" person. Also, if I experience a psychotic episode, I will document every detail about what I am thinking and why (with some obvious minor filtering of course, I won't spell out my full name or anything).
I also wish to document ways in which mentally ill people can overcome their fears and paranoias. Usually this stuff is researched by people who have never experienced psychosis and cannot identify with the psychotic mind. I want to do independent research and document it here.
What triggered my wanting to come back into the light? Well, I had another psychotic episode last night. Thinking the NSA was probably targeting me, I started having a one-sided conversation with my phone. Actually to be honest, this has been happening for awhile now. In the last few weeks I keep having conversations with my phone. For my own benefit, I have to admit this to someone before it becomes a serious problem, and you guys are it. I know how bad these beliefs are becoming, and I intend to head them off at the pass as it were.
Aluminum foil actually does work as well as tin foil at cutting cellular signal (just use two layers), but you also have to be careful because the phone could be recording then transmit at a later date. To comfort myself in recent weeks, going outside without any electronics has helped since I know nobody can possibly be listening out there. I can't go anywhere on my property, so I leave the entire block to do so. I can't risk the possibility of someone bugging my yard because I am that paranoid. I feel like I live in the world of 1984, everywhere I am I feel like I am being watched or listened to.
So last night, I decided to test my theory of them listening in. I admitted to everything I thought they would care about and even lied about beliefs in radical movements, and ties to terrorist organizations and criminal enterprises to see what would happen. Obviously nothing because who would care about me to bug me? I'm not a person of interest nor would I be, so why do I worry so much about these issues?
The simple act of having the guts to just trust my own phone has reduced my paranoia considerably, and I feel comfortable again. Basically, I need a way to vent the crazy, and as long as I have that I am a normal and actually higher than average productive individual. I will be using Hubski for this purpose in the future, so expect further posts from me.
I have learned today that if you possess the ability to assess that certain thoughts are indeed not probable to be real or likely, perform those acts liberally to prove your insane thoughts to be false. If you do not have that ability to assess, attempt to learn the truth about the issues affecting you and use reputable sources to do so. The most important tool in a schizophrenic's belt is knowledge and the scientific method. Never stop learning about anything and everything, test your insane theories (as long as they don't involve violence), and never give up hope. I have been all the way under the spell of psychosis and recovered many times, and I believe ANYONE with this illness can as well.
(That being said, they could have easily known they were lies, and kept in the dark about it and are continuing to bug me.... DUM DUM DUM!!!!!!!! My sense of humor is back, that's a good sign :))