*I’m so sorry. I couldn't resist. The title should read "Two weeks ago, I put in my two weeks notice with no real plan in place. Everything turned out better than expected.
note: I wrote this last night after my first day of no work.
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When I started this job, I had never worked full time. I had no idea what to wear, how to act, or what I was expected to do. I had an elementary understanding of HTML / CSS. I had never truly worked in Illustrator. I had just spent 3 months traveling and hanging out with some wildly successful people. I got back to the states, emailed a client I had done some freelance video editing for, and asked for a job. I got it. A month later, my manager quit and I had a choice: step up my game and fill his shoes or find another job. They didn’t need videos - they now needed someone to create marketing materials, update the website, craft presentations, and so much more. Well. I fucking OWN Illustrator. (Literally - I own the program. That’s about it. But my attitude was, "how hard can it be?")
Since then, I’ve worked with some of the biggest brands. I have a wardrobe full of professional clothes and heels. I learned how to code. I learned how to design. I’ve produced the fuck out of a ton of videos. I’ve created user interfaces and web sites for Coca-Cola, Family Dollar, Reckitt Benckiser, Biomarin, Home Depot, Target, Masterbrand Cabinets, and so many more. I’ve prepared shipments, run conference calls, pitched proposals, laughed, cried, overcome impossible challenges, and felt enormous amounts of pain and enormous amounts of relief.
I launched a new website for my company. That I planned. That I designed. That I coded. That I tested. That I 100% owned.
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And then I hit my limit. All this great shit that I learned and experienced and I still cherish more than anything wasn't able to make up for the 60 hours / week, the micromanaging, the mismanaging, the arrogance, the ignorance, the frustrations, the stress, the disrespect, the moral ineptitude, the lack of ethics, and the 10pm nights and Saturday mornings.
I’ve been overly stressed and burned out for a good while now. I kept telling myself that it’ll be okay “after this project” or “when the site was launched” or “when management got a better grasp on managing digital projects”. I kept telling myself I would get a raise and it would be okay. The day before I asked for a raise they laid off 12 people. Our company had 40 employees - 16 of which are external sales reps. That was 4 months ago. Ouch. I never asked for the raise and, it turns out, I don’t really care about money that much. I care a lot more about the work I do and the satisfaction I get from that work.
A week before the launch date for this project, I snuck away to SDCC with some of my friends from NYU. They are creating amazing things, surrounding themselves by amazing, passionate people, and working on various projects. They don’t sit at a desk. They go to Comicon and take random adventures in the name of creativity and networking. They don’t sleeptalk about margins or wake up from nightmares about work. They speak of their work like it’s their baby and there is light in their eyes. I haven’t had that in ages. I was jealous. I didn’t want to have to go to work and miss dinners anymore. There is more to life than a job that pays every two weeks. That stability and safety is cool. But man, there are limits. And sometimes you have to take risks to make it to the next level.
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I finally reached my breaking point during a tablet UI design / dev project. It wasn't as much the project as the fact this project had the same issues that every other project had. For management, there was no change, no evolution, no learning from previous mistakes. This one was just worse because my programmer and I were overloaded so we hired and outside dev company to code it. Well, management found and hired them. We weren’t involved because who would trust the dev team to handle that? The whole project was a mess from the beginning for a variety of reasons.
Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared. It’s not my company, right? Why should I care if they fuck something up?
Fuck that shit. I do care. The level of frustration, disappointment, heartbreak, and anger that I felt for weeks on end as my design was slowly annihilated by ignorance and arrogance when it didn’t have to be, was the final straw. I understand budgets fuck things up. I understand clients fuck things up. I understand time constraints fucks things up. BUT NONE OF THOSE FUCKED THIS UP. IT DIDN’T HAVE TO BE FUCKED UP!
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I know the exact moment that I decided I was going to quit. It wasn't a process. It just hit me one night. I was sitting, smoking a cigarette, with one of my favorite people in the entire world. He has life figured out and his perspective on shit is so different than my own and I just soak up stuff when I'm around him.
He was shocked. He said, "But you love your job." He had heard me talk about these awesome projects, rave about these amazing brands, show off my work, and spend hours after work working on outside projects. I suppose I do still have light in my eyes for my work. But I couldn't do the job part anymore - that is what I despised and what was draining me. The work, the creation, the problem solving, the evolution of the idea - that gives me all the satisfaction I could ever want.
After this "decision" I circled back around and made another decision to not be rash. I talked with thenewgreen. I was expecting a much different reaction but he was really supportive. He gave me some of the best advice on how to go about it and how to handle specific aspects. He also provided a lot of insights that I wouldn't have otherwise gotten. Basically, TNG is awesome. Everyone else - parents, friends, family - also got to weigh in. No one told me I was an idiot......
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....so I wrote a letter of resignation and turned it in. The look of shock on the VP’s face was very real. In fact, it wasn’t until I saw that look that my decision really hit me. Like. FUCK. What did I just do? It went over pretty much like TNG and a few others predicted - he asked a bunch of questions. He played a couple head games, like “you don’t want to do this because..." I left around 6pm for a dinner party. My programmer, my best friend and sole sanity-keeper at work, found out around 7:30pm and that was the hardest thing. He texted me and I suddenly burst into tears at the dinner table. I hadn’t told anyone at work because the company is so damn small. If one person knows something, everyone knows it within the hour. I was not prepared to approach management if they already knew what I was going to say. Understandably, my programmer felt betrayed and scared of what life at work would be without me. We’re a team. That was, by far, the hardest thing.
Oh yeah, I forgot to say this. I have no plan. I have worked so damn much in the lsat 2.5 years and taken so little time to myself that I have enough money in my freaking checking account to live the life I’ve been living for 7 months. Even, if I don’t make another cent. I have 3 big freelance projects already set and I haven’t even reached out to my past clients and said “Hey! I quit my job! Give me work! Give me referrals! I won’t say no to you anymore!” I figure when I run out of things to do or clients I’ll start looking for another job. How’s that for a plan?
The first few days were a roller coaster. More people started to find out. Some were ecstatic and happy for me - they saw me “getting out.” Some resented me. Some were mostly concerned about how the company was going to do web stuff without me. My programmer was livid and then melancholy and tearful. It settled down when he realized I still live 20 minutes away from the office and we still have google hangouts. We’re good now.
Before I left, management called me in to review my ongoing responsibilities. I went over everything. I’ve trained the two college kids I hired in May most of the day-to-day stuff. They will step up their game and take over bigger stuff later. I hired them because of their brains and ability to think and learn. They can do anything. Management told me they needed my freelance rate and contract by end of week for 3 projects that they want me to do. That contract is the most detailed contract I’ve ever done. If you want me to continue to work for you, it’s going to be on my terms.
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Today, I did whatever the fuck I wanted. I woke up feeling refreshed and happy and calm at 7am, without an alarm. That’s earlier than I’ve woken up in months - typically it takes me 5-7 alarms and twice as many snoozes before I crawl to the shower. Today, I went to the gym. Then I sat on the beach. Then I worked. Then I skateboarded to the liquor store for a pack of smokes. Then I worked. Then I talked to my roommate about hot chicks. Then I worked. Then I started writing this. I got more done than I usually get done in two 12-hour days at my job. And I didn’t put pants OR a bra on until 4pm.
Yeah.
I don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier. I don’t know what I was so scared of. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, or next week, or next month, the fact that I can wake up without stress and without resentment makes up for any financial hardships that may come my way.
I always prided myself on my ability to get shit done, to grind through the long days, to meet epic turnaround times with grace. I didn’t specifically hate any of these things. In fact, I thrive under pressure and love the motivation it gives me to find my zone and create brilliance. But, I’m not going to lie, I’m typing this while sipping a beer and watching the sunset over the ocean - after a day full of doing what I love (designing and coding) without the stuff I hate (sitting through three hour meetings and being constantly interrupted). Not a lot can beat that.
The fact that I finally feel like I have a grasp on my life and my workload is an unbelievable feeling. The fact that I can still do what I have passion for, without sifting through a pile of bullshit, make me so utterly optimistic. I haven’t felt any of these things in so long. I didn’t even realize it, but I was missing out on so much happiness and satisfaction. Right now, I feel like the luckiest person alive. And I’m ready for whatever comes my way.
This is MY life.
