Breaking my exile

I almost died. One doctors said they almost put me on a machine. I had to call 911 and could barely make it down the stairs. Then I fell down in the parking lot while they wheeled out the gurney

All because of a little alcohol withdrawal

I've read Them. Him and his producer yelling at each other shouldnt be as funny as it is when you can't hear it. Have you heard this?

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/670/beware-the-jabberwock/act-two-4

More like the L. Ron Hubbard

I'm alternately living in hotels, my car and one night in an Air B&B that was a violation of several county ordinances. I detoxed myself off of alcohol which is not easy or a particularly good idea.

AND I'M STILL WORKING ON MY GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATION BECAUSE FUCK YOU LIFE! I'M TOUGHER THAN YOUR SHIT!

I pretty much never know what the fuck his point is. It's like the op ed equivalent of a New Yorker cartoon

Umm.... I'd trade a lot of my good stories for not having to live through them.

I'm proud of what he's done and I think he's an awesome dude. But he's not an upper echelon quarterback. BUT the Dolphins signed Smokin Jay Cutler out of retirement so Kaepernick is a whole lot better than some starters in the league now. And now I have to politely ignore a bunch of conversations about how much Kaepernick is a spoiled whiner who sucks.

I hate everyone.

I may just ramble here for a second to see how people reply because I don't want to specifically talk about my life right now and I've learned to accept the blunt tool aspect that language has and I don't know if that is a fact many people understand explicitly.

There is just no way to apply logic to my behavior or reactions and I'm not sure that doesn't apply to everyone. I'm pretty certain of it in fact. Sometimes I fold entirely under pressure that may not seem very intense from the outside and sometimes I can soldier through objective tragedy. I don't exactly remember what's on this list and I looked at it again because it's meant to be amusing in part:

http://www.cockeyed.com/magic/bad_4.php

But there's more than a few things on there that have happened to me, even in the last year. It's hard to explain how that feels because it's just complicated.

I feel like I deserve a gold fucking star sometimes for just waking up or not crying at a given moment when that's a hard thing to resist. Everyone deals with things they aren't appreciated for that are internally important. Difficulties that are not important enough to mention but would be so greatly appreciated if anyone noticed at all the level of a quiet struggle.

And that seems to be my life. A very slow process of coming to be grateful for anything I have or am afforded and the smallest recognitions of any signal from someone about how hard it can be for me just to not accept failure or any number of undesirable things that would be easy to give in to. This is something that is in large part my fault. But there are a lot of difficult to recognize or understand factors in my life that I deal with every day that I cannot overestate the amount of effort it's been to function at a level where if I fold it's a goddamn surprise to everyone looking at me. And that has forced me to educate myself and accept faults of my own that people who have them can exist easily without recognizing and just generally be open to the fact that I don't often know what the fuck is even happening. But that has given me an empathy that I do want a gold fucking star for one day towards people who no one even wants to look at and people who are easily dismissed for reasons that I've learned to see as incredibly judgemental because I have a taste of how bad life can be in ways that people in the first world have no appreciation for since they've never, for example, had to weigh the benefit of carrying everything you own against its weight and the stress that will create to hold on to objects that are not very basically essential. I have done that.

And I have not given up and when I've tried to I've failed. Just general advice I've learned through experience, personal or by observation, smiling itself can be nearly impossible sometimes so. Or comforting in its ease at a moment. I feel like people in America sprint through life and are surprise how short it is when they accelerated its speed by worrying about duvet covers or taking cold water for granted. Everyone reading this should understand the levels of grace they've been afforded just by having electricity and internet access. Billions of people right now are comfortable being unsure how they will next eat.

I want a gold star sometimes because the very low level of optimism I seem to put off is a lot more than people who I think have none and whatever level of give a fuck I have left is important and probably hard fought.

I've made a ton of decoupage collages into art.

I got tired of repeating myself for two years or whatever and quit.

I haven't had a drink since January 4th. I spent the first week of the year in the hospital for depression and detox. One month is the longest I've ever gone and I'm about to break my record.

Pretty much every CGP Grey video. I like Numberphile, Periodic Videos and I'm starting to watch Sixty Symbols. I stumbled across this School of Life channel. I'm just gonna embed this one because I made a point to watch it today and it'll save me clicks.

OKCupid is a palace built on a sadness foundation. I moderated there until seeing penises and arguing about rules lost its charm.

It's just weird that things shook out historically so that the fool and the jester are the ones telling the truth. What the fuck is the rest of the court talking about? Vague, hushed words meant to save their ass I guess. Everyone knows comedians are right but laying that shit out in the wrong situation is rude and offensive.

Give it to me for this

You can do worse than Steve Winwood

I'm a full blown alcoholic. Some days I just wake up and it's like "Fuck it, I feel like shit immediately upon opening my eyes, drinking is all that's going to happen today." And I don't even get hangovers so it's not like I wake up and need some hair of the dog, I just don't care so much that being drunk all day is preferable to being depressed all day. Note that first sentence next time you hear "Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery."

Finding out why you drink is a big part of recovery. You don't understand it and neither do a lot of people who do it. For me, it was a lot of just growing up around a father who drank every night, insomnia, boredom, genetics, lack of a close social circle and alcohol just being an easily accessible high. Even knowing all that, I don't know why I keep doing it. I actually just fell off the wagon after being pretty certain I'd never drink again.

They say alcoholism is a disease but it's not. Using the model of disease for treatment is effective in helping people so it's a disease instead of a moral failing which is what it was seen as until about a hundred years ago. It's really more of a symptom that you're not alright and I've heard that too from psychiatrists I've seen. It's a disease in that it requires medical help and when people want to play the semantic game without understanding the nuances of why pouring Johnny Walker down your throat is on par with schizophrenia it pisses me off even if I'm willing to concede that it's a disease from some kind of medical philosophy perspective.

I kinda lost focus at the end but that doesn't mean what I said isn't true

Maybe your dad should have pulled out sooner