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Hmm. Why the self-imposed limit? I actually think that this could work better if there were more going on, especially because the idea of "cleansing" has so many associations, not to mention "soul." I see what you mean with the internal play, but for me, the way that the lines break are a bit abrupt at times. of my soul with some sorbet for me, "with" detracts from the second line, as it's a weak note to end on and "with" ending in the unvoiced "th" naturally has a lot of air moving through the sound in a way that is very close to the sibilants of the alliterative "some sorbet", so to me, "with some sorbet" falls more naturally.cleanse the palate