still unemployed but getting processed for a govt. job (through contractor middlemen) that pays shockingly well for shockingly little work, so i'm looking forward to seeing how much the catch (inconsistent work schedule and limited hours) will take me. signups for this year's JLPT haven't opened yet but i plan to sign up when they do later this month. next year i might be translating for money and not just for friends

yesterday i hosted a fourth of july party for some friends and it was a great time - somebody i met thru the trans group (whence discord server, whence reddit, whence desperate google search), her fiance, and somebody i met on a dating app. we potlucked and feasted and drank and i was thinking in the middle of it how crazy it was that i used to be alone, and how acclimated to it i was

i want to marry my boyfriend someday. i feel stupid talking about it but lately i've been questioning why that is, and finding no good answers. we've survived 4 years of monogamy and 4 months of "do you care if i have sex with so-and-so" so i guess we can keep hammering away at the ties that bind for another 4 years and see how sturdy they end up. maybe we'll be the youngest swingers at the sex club. under the cynicism i love him more than i can put into words so if i end up being wrong then i can be honest in saying that i couldn't see it coming

i wrote 3 chapters of a YA-type book and it feels good to write something real. i put what i've finished so far up on the only other place on the internet i post on so give it a read if you have time to spare and you like that sort of thing. my buddy that i brainstorm ideas with ("i want to write a story about pirates" - "what if it was a city that lived on the water") said that i should try to publish if i ever get it finished, but the only thing i know about being an author is that it's the worst job in the world on purpose so i think beyond vanity there's no reason to do that

i've been having awful nightmares all year, and beyond that for a long time, but before this year i never remembered my dreams unless they were particularly heinous. i have dreams where i get raped. i have dreams where i get into terrible arguments with people i love. i have dreams where my teeth turn liquid or wiggle and fall out, or where my toes get torn up and cut off. the last couple days it's been every night, and every time i nap during the day, too, and i'm tired as shit. i'm gonna try getting a sleep test because i've been suspicious for years i have sleep apnea. my boyfriend says i talk and cry in my sleep, and get startled badly

i don't know what's going on when every store i go into is understaffed and yet it takes 4 months to get hired. i could be shooting for too high a wage or too prestigeous a position, but when the mcdonalds has a 400 dollar signing bonus and 15 bucks an hour i don't know how much anything matters anymore. i'll get under any big-gut small-business satan for 15 bucks an hour at this point