Huh. I wonder if Bard will solve this? Or will it double down and say five minutes and explicitly attribute it to Tom Scocca? (Why don't I just try it and see? Stand by.)

UPDATE: The answer from Bard is below:

SECOND UPDATE: Bard seems to have improved considerably over an array of answers in the four weeks since I first tried it.

  
  >It takes about 45 minutes to an hour to caramelize onions over low heat. The exact timing will depend on the size of your pan, the size of your onions, and the heat of your stove.

  >Here are some tips for caramelizing onions:

  >Use a large, heavy-bottomed pan. This will help to prevent the onions from sticking to the pan.

  >Cut the onions into thin slices. This will help them to cook evenly.
  
  >Cook the onions over low heat. This will help to prevent them from burning.

  >Stir the onions occasionally. This will help to prevent them from sticking to the pan and to ensure that they cook evenly.

  >Add a splash of water if the onions start to stick. This will help to loosen them from the pan.

  >Be patient! Caramelizing onions takes time, but it is worth it in the end.

  >Once the onions are caramelized, they will be soft, sweet, and slightly browned. They can be used in a variety of dishes, such as sandwiches, salads, and soups.