I'm quitting my job. i put in my two weeks notice on friday, but really i said I'd work until the end of the month if i had to to give some time to find somebody new. i can't stand my boss and I'm happy to be gone. i have nothing in the works for a new job.

the mood of the season is sour grape jealousy. the phrase of the season is "things are alright, but..." i wish i had some cash on hand to burn on some dumb shit. i wish i was having wild adventures. the steadier i start living the more my skin crawls for something new.

I'm having relationship struggles. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. i love him and i want to stay with him. i turn into a piece of shit when he's not around. when he's gone i feel like I'm caged up. but I'm 23 and he's 21. i feel stupid when i think about the future or the long-term, but i want to. i really want to say my "let's be together forever"s, but I'm scared. I'm scared that either we'll change and not be right for each other, or that we won't change and will stunt each other's growth. we're both depressed underachievers with dreams that don't feel in reach, and i worrry that we feed into each other's bullshit.

honestly the proximate issue is that we don't have sex. i think we average maybe once a month or every 3 weeks at most. when i get unhappy i want to have sex. when he gets unhappy he doesn't want to have sex. there are stretches of time where i stopped trying to initiate sex because it made me feel like a creep - but i can't wait for him to do it because the difference in drive is the way it is. it just builds resentment in me towards him and it sucks. this is the only issue in our relationship, but it's big enough that it drags it down. everything else is legitimately wonderful. it just hurts to be rejected over and over, and it hurts when i can't enjoy the time we spend together doing other stuff as much because I'm wishing we were fucking

i like writing. i never wanted to make it into anything beyond a hobby. i was good at academic writing, or good enough to be graded well, but i can't stand the thought of going into academia. making money as a real author looks like hell, but i thought it would be fun to write some erotica and make some scratch on it on the side. every time i try to write something sexy it's all blood and guts and machines churning and chunks in the woodchipper. i keep trying to write porn and i keep getting body horror. so i think my niche has found me