I'm going to say "men." When i say "men" I am saying "adult males who are generally compassionate individuals who abide by the emotional well-being of their counterparts of any gender and reject the general derogatory and zero-sum philosophy of the pickup-artist community." So when I say "men" I do not mean "all males" I mean, in general, "men who don't suck."

And I'm going to say "the biggest mistake I see men make is in over-accommodating the perceived needs of their partners." Not as in "when in doubt, be an asshole" but as in "eagerness to please, if not employed consciously and concisely, can come across as weakness."

One of the principles of dating going back hundreds of years is the attractiveness of self-confidence. Self-confidence is not arrogance, and a lot of people confuse the two (it is socially advantageous to muddy the waters in debate). Likewise, humility is not self-abuse... but a lot of people confuse the two.

I think people with self confidence simply have a more refined assessment of their personal value. I think everyone is right at least part of the time? But I think the individuals who others describe as "confident" are the ones who know their merits, know their limitations, and are not bashful about making them known. A self-confident person can say "I suck at basketball" without suffering any ego damage. They can also go "this relationship is a poor investment emotionally" without feeling like they're letting themselves or the other person down.

I also think that relationships, at a basic level, ARE a mutual pact of control. "I will give up this autonomy for you because we're both happier when we make mutual decisions." Humans are social creatures, in general we want some form of structure within which to live our lives. We don't all want the same things and we don't want the same thing all the time, but a relationship is, fundamentally, an agreement to sacrifice some amount of autonomy for some amount of security. And I think confident individuals have an easier time negotiating that. I also think everyone has a different setting on the "autonomy/control" dial and if your dials aren't aligned you're gonna fight over the thermostat.

Look at it as a business proposition. It's crass but crassness cuts through the bullshit. "I will sell you this car for a tenth the sticker price on the understanding that, at any given moment, someone else might be driving it." Is it your only car? Well then you're fucked. Do you already have a Toyota but someone is offering up a Ferrari? Congratulations you just rationalized infidelity. If the Toyota didn't have feelings everything would be fine.

I don't think anything you're doing is unhealthy. I just know that everyone (everyone who isn't a jaded, cynical mutherfucker like myself) in a new relationship is afloat on all the delerious possibilities, not looking for shoals to crash into. Mine has been a life of shoals... followed by a normal, boring and cloyingly happy 20-year relationship.