I don't want you to feel compelled to share anything you're not comfortable, so I'll just keep this super surface level. If you're really open to talking about it, either on here or in PM, I'm totally open to it and all ears.

when i type it out it sounds pretty crazy now that i think about it, but it's the truth, and crazy or not i think it's important

It doesn't sound crazy at all. I had a similar, yet still different trajectory, which I'll save you the story of. Suffice to say, life's a mess and sometimes I think that's part of the point.

but i started to do a lot of reading on the early church and christ as a historical figure and it helped me understand how i felt about myself and the kind of future i want to live out

I get this a lot, actually. I read religious texts a lot and I find them to be kind of a mirror that I can hold up against myself and ask really hard questions about who I think I am, who I really am, who I think I want to be, and who I really should be. Sometimes it's discouraging, because I feel like I fall short so often, but more often than not, it feels hopeful and encouraging, like I know I have room to grow and it's a struggle, but it's achievable and important.