Hi there.

Sounds like you might be going through a bit of a rough time. Here are a few things I'd like to share, regarding my experience of rough times. Take whatever is of value to you and discard the rest.

Making absolute, declarative, negative statements about oneself will never result in anything good or positive in any net way. When we are experiencing a rough patch our brain is very good at collecting every painful, awkward or embarrassing memory it can and creating a Frankensteinian monster out of them. Whether they are relevant or not to whatever is directly causing distress, a depressed perspective tends to put the worst possible spin on every experience and memory. The only thing I have found that is any sort of counter to this is deep, slow breathing combined with an important reframing of our thoughts. Our feelings are very powerful. There is nothing bad or wrong with experiencing the feeling of depression, sadness or even hopelessness. It's not comfortable, or desirable, but having those feelings is not bad or evil in and of itself. These feelings become bad and dangerous when we make them into permanent, unchanging aspects of our character. Feel however you feel. Feel it deeply and completely, accept that the feeling is there and just observe it. Watch what your mind does when you aren't forcing judgement and absolutes through it. To go all Buzzfeed, the answer may shock you!!! As a direct example from your post, you said 'Knowing me and my inability to do things' and that's what really sparked my interest and this whole response. Maybe a more helpful and less painful thing to say and think would be 'I feel as though I won't stay active on Hubski.' That's a perfectly valid way to feel. I disappear from here for weeks on end sometimes and I have been around for a few years. There are other users who were once frequent and who now only pop back up once in a great while. As a personal example of this reframing technique, I destroyed my tablet today. I was getting gas and thought I would take that valuable minute and a half to read about a new rental property I was looking at. Without thinking, I left it on top of my car to close the gas cap and watched it smash to little tiny bits on the road in my rear-view mirror only a few seconds later. The reaction that I work to manage and eventually overcome manifests as something like 'How could you be so stupid and forgetful to leave that there! That's just like you!' Now, there's nothing objectively false about that statement. I am human, I make mistakes. I often leave my wallet, keys, phone, etc at friend's houses, on coffee tables or kitchen counters. But I do it maybe a little bit less often now than I used to, and make a conscious effort to be mindful about where my stuff is. So instead of allowing myself to continue the abuse and negativity, I consciously, with great effort, pick a different, more compassionate framework. 'I made a mistake, and it feels pretty awful. I will allow myself to feel the loss, the embarrassment, so that I remember to be more conscientious with my stuff, especially expensive electronics.' Is it a perfect solution? Nope. Is it a cure-all? Nope. Does it help a little? Yup. Does it take time and practice? Yup.

I hope your student aid goes through. It sounds like you do want to go to college and simultaneously you are cognizant of the comparative value of an education in a trade. Both of these are good things. The desire to better your career, yourself is good! If you haven't been in recent communication with your school's financial aid department, I suggest calling them or visiting in person to double check that they have every piece of relevant information when they are putting together your finaid package.

Take care of yourself friend. I don't know you at all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting the best possible life for you. Invest in yourself, in your future. Invest time and effort into caring for your body and mind, so that they support each other as you go on.

Maybe I'm totally off-base and this is all just nonsensical preaching. A few years ago, some really awesome folks around here decided to give me a hand up when I had stumbled and fallen into a pretty dark spot. If you find yourself in need of a hand, I'd like to be there to help if I could.

Cheers blackbear. Don't be a stranger.