Cry me a fuckin' river, dude. Over the summer I went in to a second physical therapist over the fact that I was like tearing a hamstring when I ran. She discovered that I've got thirty fucking degrees of torsion... and that I have somehow made it to the ripe old age of 43 without an ass.

Yeah.

So now I do ass exercises every day. Kegels and shit. Like, ridiculous "you've been in a car accident" crap. 'cuz you know what?

I've gotten as far as I have with 30 degrees of rotation and no ass. Any progress from here is like developing super powers.

Did you know I'm about 3/4s of an inch taller now? Why? Because goddamn it, I'm having to fucking learn to walk again, with my new ass, which means I don't slouch nearly as much. It's fucking amazing. And you know what? I'll probably never be an ultramarathon runner. Or, if I am, I'll have to work harder than everybody else. But I have to work harder than everybody else anyway. College? College was kids yelling "Run, Forrest!" every time I went outside because if my weird-ass gait. I figured they did it to anybody; no, just me. Now?

Now I'm adding like 14 muscles that I've never had before.

Try this:

"Yesterday was amazing. I've discovered that my efforts have been hampered by weird development as a kid but now that I can work on it, I've expanded my performance horizons in ways I can't even imagine yet."