WORK

Still defining myself too much by my job. Not sure what to do with that feeling at present. I recognize that in the long term it's untenable.

My boss has been conducting research in more or less the same manner for the last 20 years. Sometimes, I think he forgets that his long-standing personal preferences are not in fact codified law ingrained into every research coordinator the day they are hired.

I am also starting to feel like there is a stigma attached to wearing a patient advocate hat on top of the researcher one. Several of my patients have to drive plural hours to come see us. Of that group, most have a spouse or child who is also seen at one of our other specialty clinics. There's a stated hospital policy to attempt to combine schedules of appointments so that patients don't have to make plural trips in the same week to see different doctors. In theory, this means that physicians and clinics flex so that if a patient was scheduled for the 29th, but their spouse has a higher-priority appointment/procedure on the 30th, we do all of their testing/procedures on the 30th. In practice, I get emails going 'Can the patient come in on the 29th anyway to better fit my schedule?' and I want to reply in nasty italics 'Sure, let me ask them if they are cool with a four, three hour one way drives in two days.' Instead, I inhale, exhale, and list out the itinerary for the patient and their family member and do my best to make things work. I think it's obvious that I'm trying to prioritize patient wellbeing, however I am afraid that this is coming across like I don't care about my physicians obligations. Hard to balance the two, and harder still to feel bad about trying to make the lives of sick people easier.

Body

I'm finding it too easy to just not eat all day. In theory, I'm trying to only eat between the hours of 8AM and 8 PM. In practice, I drink black coffee from 8-3, maybe eat a banana, work out on an empty stomach, eat dinner too late, then grab junk food right before bed, the one time when I should definitely not be putting stuff in my stomach.

Due to her midterms, we slacked off on yoga for a few weeks, maybe practicing once every 3 days. Now that midterms are over, it's time to get back on the horse. The longest routine we do with any regularity is about 40 minutes. I want to see if I can make an hour my new norm. It's better to do some exercise, than try and fail to do a lot of exercise, but there is a point where I need to make an honest assessment of my progress and commit to developing, rather than maintaining my practice. When I started yoga, my goal was to comfortably touch my toes. Now that I can (sort of?) comfortably stand on my palms, I need a new, more challenging goal. My legs need the work badly enough to make full lotus a worthy pursuit, maybe that will be it.

Spoopy Stuff

Supposed to go to a Halloween party on Saturday. The RPS has to work, so I'd be going alone, and the only costume I have is our couples costume (Cosmo and Wanda from Fairly OddParents, She's Cosmo, I'm Wanda). Probably gonna stay home, watch scary movies, play Stellaris and drink. We have a pumpkin sitting by the doorway, gonna carve it tomorrow night. She's excited to be artistic, I'm excited to eat pumpkin seeds roasted with pumpkin spice, because redundantly-named foods make me happy.

Brain

I keep re-experiencing this particular sensation in new ways, and it's a strange one. The feeling of 'I'm going to be kind of okay.'

When I say that, I mean that I frequently freak myself out over small things, and then realize 'Wait, this was this way before I freaked out. It's still going to be this way. I can choose to not freak out about this.' but it keeps coming in all these small ways that I wouldn't expect.

I'm still seeking out needless arguments, but maybe I do it a little less, maybe I recognize that I'm under no obligation to keep arguing and can drop things faster.