I tried doing a self-designed MDMA therapy session last Sunday- but I'm not Cumol, I'm just an idiot who once tried pushing MAPS at his university once when he was a psychology undergrad. I do not recommend trying something like this. Don't rationalize yourself into doing something like this without proper guidance. Some notes. =============== - I have vastly underestimated how depressed I was going to feel the days afterward. Maybe it was a lot easier for me to handle when I was still at 135 pounds instead of 200, or just younger in general. - I had been saving this dose of MDMA for about three years now. It's hard to keep something like this without romanticizing it in someway. In Milan Kundera's The Farewell Waltz there is a character named Jakub who keeps a poison pill on him because he believes that it is a right for a person to decide when they should end their own life (somewhat satirically). I've kept this dose on me because I joke to myself that it is a right for a person to decide when they should be happy (somewhat satirically). - I told my therapist last week that I was planning on doing this, and he strongly discouraged it. I did it anyway and just finished debriefing with him on it today. - I've spent the weekend reading and attempting to apply The Joy of Tidying Up to my room, anticipating the life changing effects of the trip. The hardest part was giving away a lot of books that decidedly, don't bring me any joy.. - I asked a friend to record and ask me questions and interview me. I had a list from the MAPS MDMA therapy guide, a bunch of notecards I wrote to ask myself, and my friend wanted to ask the 36 Questions to Fall In Love. - The trip? Heh. I'm still thinking about it. I have a snippet from the recording that I was about to share, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate- I am peaking and asking my interviewer if she wants to cuddle and talking about how I want to meet kleinbl00 for lunch. It's embarrassing as all hell. - Big note: I've decided that this will be my last piling onto pubski for pity purposes- a big (duhhh) insight that has come from my trip is that I tend to approach topics through my problems first, seeking conversations where I can rattle on about myself and get relief from my self-loathing. It's a terrible habit. I'm gonna try to journal these things instead.