Holy Mary mother of God

My back is writhing with what is apparently known as Hell's Itch, or Suicide Itch. A ceaseless and unrelenting cascade of itches and tingles that knows no relief - pure, unadulterated torture.

On Monday, I was outside digging a trench in my sister's backyard for the gas boiler, and after getting all hot and sweaty I figured I'd take my shirt off - just for a little while, you know, not long enough to get burnt. I will never, ever, make this mistake again.

Yesterday I wore a long-sleeve shirt while I was back in the garden, and it was fine; the usual discomfort of a sunburn. But when I woke up this morning, I ended up running around the kitchen waving my arms around, screaming and stomping my feet. I'm still twitching now.

I called my dad and, owing to his own experience of it many years ago, he actually understood and told me to stay home (usually my father wouldn't care about suffering - it builds character, and so on).

I went to the pharmacy and got some Eurax, which I applied after a shower. Then there was another fifteen or twenty minutes of running about and howling before it started to take effect. It's not quite as bad as earlier, but it's still prickling and tingling very unpleasantly, and the worst thing is that there's no true relief.

Learn from my stupidity, Hubski! Drown yourself in sunscreen and never take your shirt off!