Bad brain day.

Read a long tidder comment about the small and large scale implications of the student loan crisis and it really set me off.

I'm Patriarch of my immediate family. My parents don't know how to parent my younger brothers, and continually make poor parenting decisions just from the fatigue of it all. Neither of them have anything like a retirement plan, and they've basically stated that they are pinning all their hopes on me to be able to support them when they are unable to do so.

I know that the best use of my 20's at this point is to try and maximize my own potential. Maximize my ability to provide value/utility/improved quality of life/earning potential. Take care of myself well enough to survive the process, take care of my brain well enough to not hate each and every waking second. I intellectually understand that I need to be sort of more self-centered. More willing to put myself and my interests first, so that I can get to a point where I can be generous and not miss what I give away. Last year I learned that I can't loan out necessities when I can't afford to replace them. That lesson is still being learned in monthly $200 increments. Every time I pay my car loan I take a minute to reflect on the things I can and cannot do without. I reflect on who I can trust, and who I cannot.

Plans have not changed. But I have a lot of acid and anger boiling in my head today. After work I'm going to get as much work measured in kilogram/meters out of my body as possible and hope that it exorcises some of the demons from my mind.